The Van Clan

Cyber Friends

2011-11-16T20:24:00.001-06:00

In today's day and age, I would venture to say that some of us stay at home mom's have more cyber friends than in real life friends. This is not a commentary about that.

About 5.5 years ago while we were living in Japan, I became pregnant with Nikki. My first trimester I was completely bed ridden, suffered from such extreme nausea that I could barely eat. I went from 111 pounds to 101 lbs. in a month. I was miserable. The only thing that took my mind off my misery was using the computer to read about all things pregnancy related. And that is how I found Babyfit.com. I joined a due date club and over the months we all bonded over stories of morning sickness, weight gain, and stretch marks. Then our babies were born and it was birth stories, sleepless nights, colic, and feeding woes. Time went on and it was first birthdays, first words, potty training, first day of preschool, and for some this year, the first day of Kindergarten. We have been fast friends for 5.5 years and most of us have never met in person.

This Friday I get to meet one of my sweet babyfit friends who I feel like I have known forever... Caryn has had 2 more children since our 5 year olds and is pregnant with her fourth! Two other babyfit friends, that I have met before, along with their families and Caryn and her family will be coming to my house Friday night for Pizza. Caryn and her family are passing through on their way from Texas to Virginia, so I offered our house for them to spend the night (I am so not into $100 a night for a hotel room!) and we decided to have a meet-up! I am so excited. And while cyber friends taking the place of real life friends may not be the best thing ever, I sure do love it when cyber friends ARE real life friends.

Date night

2011-11-04T21:11:00.000-05:00

One of the blessings of having older kids and younger kids at the same time is that the older is usually in need of cash and willing to babysit in order to get said cash. This means that Mark and I get to go out, make that get begged to go out, at least once a week. :-) So we have a little Friday routine going. We can't afford to do fancy dates, but we usually go to Subway and get a $5 footlong, people watch for a while, and do a little grocery shopping at the Wally world. BUT once a month, usually the first Friday, we will do something a little extra. Tonight was First Friday so we went to downtown Knoxville to check out the art scene (extra credit for my Art Appreciation class), went to Chipotles for dinner (YUM-O) and then stopped at Steak 'n Shake for a milkshake. I am so blessed to be married to a man that I love to spend time with. I am also blessed to have a built-in babysitter that is more than happy to make that happen.

Has it really been three months?!

2011-11-01T22:01:00.001-05:00

Sometimes when too much time has gone by without updating, I just avoid the blog because I don't know where to start. I am just going to spit out some random updates on the last three months so that I can get back in the game...

*Mark and I started full time classes and things are going great. Our schedule is worked out so that we don't have to have any child care for Nathan. Spring semester is going to work out too. This makes me happy. :-)
*Katie is a sophomore at UALR, taking an active role in politics with the local "occupy" movement and living too far away for my liking. :-(
*Luke got his license back a few weeks ago and it is a blessing and a curse. A blessing that he doesn't need a ride all the time, and a curse because he thinks he "needs" the car all the time. :-)
*Jordan started middle school and is enjoying timed runs in gym class. They worked up to a mile and he ran it in 6:32 which is pretty stinking good for a 10 year old who has never trained.
*Kloe also played soccer this fall and loved it. She got her braces off and has the most beautiful smile. You can always count on Kloe for a smile. :-)
*Nikki just turned 5 and started Pre K this year. She also finally broke 30 lbs. and 40 inches.
*Nathan ... what can I say... the kid is stinking adorable and brings so much joy and so many smiles to our lives each day. His current love is "choo choo" a.k.a. Thomas the Train and any device with an "i" in the front of it. He is an expert at finding "his" apps on the iPad or our iPhones. It borders on addiction. Never thought I would have to limit the "screen time" of my 21 month old but I do.

So there it is in a nutshell. Maybe now that I have "caught up" I won't be too intimidated to blog once in a while.

Mark and Luke's Ugandan Adventures: Day 1-2

2011-08-05T08:20:00.000-05:00

Just received an update from Mark on their first few days in Uganda with Visiting Orphans.

Day one:
So, after a loonngg flight, a stop in Ethiopia, we finally arrived in Entebbe, Uganda. our first guest house was pretty nice, had an awesome shower...as long as you held the shower head on your skin so the weak water pressure would actually hit you. We had a good meal with rice and chicken, and Mountain Dew! Yes, Mountain Dew has hit Africa and I couldn't be happier:-)

Day two:
Our first day in Uganda was at Return Ministries run by Pastor Samuel and his wife Sarah. They have 14 kids ( I think) there permanently but way more (150 or so) during the day. We played games, sang songs, did crafts and I got peed on (yes, got peed on, but will explain a bit further down). There was a sweet little girl(around 3) who wasn't saying hi as we walked by (was actually expressionless) so I took that as a challenge to break through and get her to come to me.

I walked up to her and said hi and got no response, so tried again and still no response. So I figured there's no way she's going to win and knelt down to be on her level. This time when I said hi and held out my hand she moved forward about an inch or so. I tried again and this time she walked over and put her arm around my shoulder. So, I picked her up and held her close and she eventually snuggled in. I found out her mom is a single mom and HIV positive, so she didn't have a daddy:-(. I just held her in my arms and prayed over her and eventually she actually fell asleep in my arms.

After about 15 minutes of sleep I suddenly felt something warm on my leg. I thought surely that's not what I think it is, but yep, as she drifted into deep sleep she peed all over my leg. I was sitting down so it seeped around to the back of my leg as I struggled to hold her out off my lap and stand up without waking her. Pastor Samuel took her from me, but we were nowhere near the hotel with my luggage and clean clothes.

Thank God, the drivers were leaving soon to transfer our luggage to Adonai guest house but it was probably over an hour before I ever got to change. At that point, even my underwear had soaked it up and was feeling/smelling pretty nasty. Needless to say, I was a little gun shy on holding any more kids once I returned to the place where everybody was.

In Memory of David L. Clark

2011-06-19T17:13:00.002-05:00

The following is something I wrote one week after my daddy passed away in November of 1988. I was 17.

I called him Snoopy. I was only three but for some reason calling him "Dad" didn't feel quite right, not yet anyway. So Snoopy it was. He must have liked it because he drew a big picture of Snoopy on his bowling bag so everyone could see.

I'm not quite sure when he made the transition from Snoopy to Daddy but I never reconsidered my decision. My mom said she knew how to pick a good daddy for her kids and she was right.

"Sing me a song, Daddy. Sing 'Old Shep' for me, PLEASE!" This was a usual request from me whenever our family was traveling together. I would then go on to ask him to sing every song I could think of. He always ended with "You're the Nearest Thing to Heaven", which he sang directly to Mom. Looking right at her he would sing, "You're the nearest thing to heaven, yes you are. I have searched for happiness so long and far. But my search for love was through the day that I found you. You're the nearest thing to heaven, darling you."

Soon after mom married him, we learned that Dad's idea of a good time was roughing it in the woods. Camping was a pastime that none of us were accustomed to but all of us grew to love. Every weekend from Memorial Day to Labor Day we packed our things and took off for our campsite in the middle of nowhere. With a stinky old two-seater outhouse and no running water the motor that generated light at night was our only luxury. I can still picture Dad making bacon and eggs over the campfire.

Though I was only his step-daughter we never made a big deal of it. People would often ask if I was his daughter and he would say yes. We never made the distinction between daughter and step-daughter or between father and step-father. We found it really amusing when people commented on the resemblance between us. We would just look at each other and smile. They didn't need to know right?

I always felt very fortunate that I had a father who was willing to be "Dad" to his step-children as well as his own. He was a very special man.

Last week my dad died of a sudden heart attack and I miss him terribly. I am very thankful that he died doing something he loved (hunting) and he suffered no pain. Oh and I almost forgot, he got his deer, so he also died happy.

(Written by Renee Reynolds November 1988)

I think I can, I think I can!

2011-06-06T19:57:00.001-05:00

I have now been a pseudo-single mom for almost 2 months. I sometimes feel like the little engine that could, saying "I think I can, I think I can"... LOL!

Summer is here, and we have a busy one planned! It includes 4 weeks of girls inc. camp for Kloe, time in Arkansas and Virginia for the whole family, a major kitchen remodel for the house, and a two week trip to Ethiopia/Uganda for my big boys. They get back the day before school starts again!

I was dreading summer vacation because we were starting to struggle with Kloe and some old behaviors and I didn't know how it would go. I made an appointment with the Dr. and told him I felt we needed to increase the dosage of aderall, and Kloe's classroom teacher and her ESL teacher confirmed what I was already feeling in my gut. We have been about a week on the higher dosage and the difference in family life is once again, astounding. It's like a breath of fresh air... and not just for me as a parent... but Kloe feels so much better too!

So, not too much else to tell, we are just hanging in there until we can all be together again. Until then... I think I can, I think I can!

Mvelopes- I love this electronic envelope system!

2011-05-03T12:02:00.002-05:00

I searched a long time to find a budgeting/electronic envelope system that I could use to budget and track our spending. I used to use a program from Christian Financial Concepts (Now Crown) that I loved, but it was old and outdated. I headed over to Crown to see if there was any new software and they recommended Mvelopes. I did the two week free trial and was very pleased! I have now been using it for 9 months. They have really good support, and it was exactly what I was looking for as far as budgeting and tracking. I really love it, and I am not a salesperson at all, and would NEVER recommend anything I didn't love. If you are looking for something to get your spending on track you can try it for free too.
Click below to sign up for the free trial with my personal referral link.
Link: http://www.mvelopes.com/n-enrollmentv2/index.php?page=referral-user&accessCode=D001001024&referral=D02865838

A reminder

2011-04-29T15:29:00.000-05:00

As the one year anniversary of the tornado approaches (tomorrow), I had this poster made as a reminder.

In case you can't read the verses the one above the hallway where we were sheltered has Psalm 91:2

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

he is my God, and I trust him.

The verse underneath the rubble that was our home is Philipians 3:8

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ."

Winds of Change blowing across the Nation...

2011-04-28T09:53:00.001-05:00

In light of the recent weather events all over our country I felt I should really post this.

Mark's dad who has served the Lord his entire life wrote this on Wednesday March 9. Two days before the Tsunami hit Japan. He read it to us March 22 when they were here helping with our move. It is even more relevant now than it was then, and I want to share it with you all...

The following is a word that the Lord gave Ken (Mark's Dad) just two days before the Earthquake/Tsunami in Japan.

Winds of change, gigantic change, are blowing across the nation and the world. Not good winds. Winds of

Turmoil and destruction. Winds of evil and evil intent. There will be changes that we never could have

Believed possible.

God is saying to the Church. Awake out of sleep for now is your day of deliverance nearer than when you first believed.

Let your roots go down deep into God and God's Word. Spend more time in the Word.

Separate yourself from worthless and temporal things. Don't allow your spiritual life to dissipate (a drop at A time like a leaky faucet by giving too much attention to world things. Seek first the Kingdom of God. Storms are coming that will blow apart many houses that are are not built on the Rock of Jesus Christ And His Word.

Strengthen your marriages now. Strengthen your family ties now. Teach your children God's Word. Pray with your family. Discuss God;s Word in family devotions.

If your roots are deep you can withstand the storms that are coming. Those whose roots are shallow,Will not be able to stand.

Matthew 6:33 -- Seek first the Kingdom of God.

The Speed of Trust

2011-04-21T12:31:00.000-05:00

So, I am reading this book called "The Speed of Trust" by Stephen Covey (The son of the guy who wrote The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.) I would never have purchased this book, but since I discovered it in our belongings I decided to read it and am finding it quite interesting. The basic premise is the importance of trust in getting things done. High trust situations increase productivity and lower costs. Low trust decreases productivity and increases costs... you get the idea.

I mention this because now that I have been made aware of the "Trust principle" I am seeing it everywhere I go. Yesterday I experienced the text book example of this principle. It was at the TN Dept. of Transportation and I was attempting to change my license from Arkansas to Tennessee. As I walked in with my three pieces of mail to prove my residency, along with my passport, military ID, and valid Arkansas license I expected to have no trouble whatsoever getting my license. BOY WAS I WRONG!!

Adorning the wall was a huge poster that stated the following

19 Terrorists
364 Aliases
26 State ID's
It only takes one.
Help stop terrorism.

So, I showed them my letter showing my name and address from the local community college. (An official institution). They refused to accept it because the college didn't post a date on the letter. The letter did however say "Congratulations, as of April 4 you have been accepted for admission for the FALL 2011 semester..." But because I just might be a terrorist, this was not good enough for them. So then I ask about the 2 other pieces of mail I had with my name and address. These were not dated or official so no go. Luke runs to the van to see what he can find. He brings back our van registration and a prescription with our name and address on it, dated THIS MONTH. The van registration only had Mark's name on it and was not acceptable. The prescription was not on the approved list of acceptable documents. By this time I was about to lose my witness as my friend Emily used to say. In the end I had to drive the 10 miles back home and dig out the mortgage paperwork to our home that thankfully had my name on it as well as Mark's. I grabbed the dated envelope from the college to show that the letter was indeed a recent piece of mail. The lady reluctantly allowed me to get my license.

This was a classic example of LOW TRUST = HIGH COST (Time and man hours) and LOW PRODUCTIVITY. (Ever wonder why you have to spend so much time at the DMV, now you know- LOW TRUST.) Now don't get me wrong. I want to do my part to stop terrorists! Just point me to the last terrorist who was a 115 lb. white woman with five kids in tow (who also had a valid AR state ID, a valid military ID, and a valid US passport)who was merely trying to transfer her valid drivers license to her current state of residence. Show me even one and I promise I will never complain about the TDOT again. :-)

Progress!!

2011-03-31T19:21:00.000-05:00

We have now been in Oak Ridge for 12 days. In 12 days our plumbing has leaked and been fixed 3 times, and there is still an illusive leak somewhere and we can't seem to find the source. A wiring mistake by our handyman lead to $1000 dollars in damage to electronics, our dog was attacked by the neighbors pit bull, our washing machine broke, our van had to get checked out at the Honda dealer for a problem with the torque converter, and 4 out of 7 of us got a tummy bug. All in 12 days.

Despite all of this we have accomplished a few things too. Nearly every box and bin has been unpacked and you can actually see the floor in every room! PROGRESS!

Mark has painted the master bathroom and it looks great... I will post some pics later. Almost every window has a curtain hanging in it and I finally got tired of living without a microwave so purchased a cheap one at Walmart. (Hello microwave popcorn!!) PROGRESS!

I found out that you can get cheap bread at the dollar tree, and cheap snacks and cereals at Big Lots, and tomorrow I will check out a consignment sale for cheap kids clothes. PROGRESS! Now I just need to figure out where to buy cheap meat or else we will have to become vegetarians! I was spoiled rotten with commissary prices on meat.

We have found a new Dr. at a family clinic a half a mile from our house, and have scheduled appointments for 3 kids. PROGRESS!

We have found a church home without having to church "shop", which both Mark and I despise doing. We prayed that God would guide us to the right place right off the bat and He was faithful to answer that prayer. PROGRESS!

And last but not least....I now have a few Facebook friends from Oak Ridge... PROGRESS!! :-)

We are HOME!!

2011-03-23T21:38:00.000-05:00

We arrived at our new home at midnight Friday night and began the unpacking Saturday morning at 8am. We hired two guys to come and help us, which was the smartest thing ever. They were work horses and did so much of the heavy lifting. We had the truck unpacked in two hours and the rest of the day was spent creating some sense of the mess!

We have had some issues with the work done on the house. Had to call the plumber back 3 times to fix things he did. I don't think we will be using him when we do the kitchen in July. Also since our house was old it did not have ceiling lights with wall switches, so we had an electrician wire this into all the rooms. He didn't put any light fixtures in (because he knew we were getting ceiling fans) but our handyman who was trying to be thoughtful went out and purchased simple light fixtures and put them up in all the rooms. In one room he made a mistake hooking up the "hot" wires and we blew out Luke's PS3 and also our brand new projector that we had never even used! I am so sad first that it happened but second that it happened because our handyman was going the extra mile and trying to be nice! GRRRR.

Thus far I am THRILLED with the kids' schools. Jordan and Kloe started today and had a good day. Their teachers are really sweet, and Jordan was moved up from 2nd grade to 4th grade so that he would be with his same age peers. In the long run I think this is important and the best decision.

We have the interesting and very opposite neighbors. On one side is what must be a 3000+ square foot house. An older couple live there and they brought us lemon pies. YUM. The wife teaches piano, which might come in handy!! On the other side is a duplex apt. house and one of the apts. has a dad and three boys. One kid is 16 and has a girlfriend who is due any time with twins. Both he, and his two younger brothers are always outside smoking ... UGH.

The house is starting to look more like a home and there are fewer and fewer boxes each day. We still have curtains to hang and rooms to paint, but slowly we are getting there!

Last but not least, I believe we have found our church home! Mark's mom and dad and I went to church last Sunday morning and I really enjoyed it. It is called Heritage Fellowship and is a Church of God. We took everyone but Luke and went to Wednesday service tonight. All the kids enjoyed their class. Even Nikki made a new friend and didn't cry when she went to class by herself! Nathan went to the nursery and for the first time in his life he stayed in there and didn't scream until the very very end! UH- MA-ZING! Our prayer was that God would lead us to the right church right from the beginning and that we wouldn't have to "church shop", and I love how He has been faithful to answer that prayer!

MOVING in one month! (And why that makes me happy!)

2011-02-14T11:48:00.007-06:00

4 weeks from this week is "MOVING WEEK". I am very excited for this move. Being an Air Force wife we have moved plenty and every single time I was looking forward to it! I think moving is in our blood! And while I am a little apprehensive about being a single mom for 3.5 months, the good things about this move outweigh that!

I have really enjoyed living in Arkansas. The people are sweet, and very friendly and I don't have any complaints... well I do have one. We live 10 miles outside of town. 10 miles from church, schools, gas stations, grocery stores etc. We live 35 minutes from the AF base... doctors, work, commissary etc. And with gas at $3 a gallon it stinks. Seriously, we spent over $500 on gas last month and I have no social life! I don't go anywhere that I don't have to go. I am a recluse. And while I tend toward introversion it is only slight... I am actually almost 50/50. So I am so ready to live in a community. To live, go to school, church and shopping with my friends and neighbors. For the drive to the grocery store to take 2 minutes. Same for school, library, gas station, retaurant, and doctor's office. Most within 1 mile of our house, all within 2 miles. I won't have to consider how much gas it will take or the fact that just driving into town and back will add 40 minutes to whatever I was planning to do. When you have a large family every minute counts as much as every dollar!

So yes I am very excited that life is about to radically change, but I guess that means I am going to have to take a shower now and then and quit wearing my pajamas all day. Just joking... well sort of. :-)

The Story of the Chair!!

2011-02-12T16:30:00.003-06:00

We lost most of our furniture in the tornado, including a brand new recliner that Mark had bought me for my birthday just 4 months earlier. Since then we have replaced a lot of our furniture with things people donated or by shopping at the local Goodwill. Add to that several great Craig's list finds and we were doing great. There was one thing missing though... my recliner. I loved it, I spent hours upon hours of Nathan's first weeks and months rocking him and nursing him in that chair. We kept talking about getting another one some day. That day was today, and what we got is 10x better! This is called a "chair and a half recliner" and it fits Mark and I side by side PERFECTLY. It also, as you can see, will easily fit a mama and a passel of younguns. PERFECTO!! I am so happy. WE have already labeled it the "reading snuggle buggle chair" and I think I have read at least a dozen books since we brought it in 3 hours ago. While this is the one and only "new" piece of furniture we allowed ourselves to "splurge" on, I don't think I will ever have buyer's remorse!!

Commercial Culture Shock

2011-02-07T20:13:00.005-06:00

We went to a Super Bowl Party at our church last night. I am not really into football, but I can enjoy a good party and a good game. And of course there is the commercials. Speaking of commercials let me give some background. We don't have cable, or satellite, so we live a very sheltered life of watching videos and Netflix and are quite oblivious to the trends in advertising.

We did have satellite for about 18 months when we returned home from Japan in 2007. Watching the Super Bowl commercials last night reminded me of this post about my commercial culture shock way back then. The longer we had satellite, the less shocking and embarrassing the commercials became. We just got used to them I guess.

But that was a couple years ago, and I have been out of the advertising loop once again. And then there was last night. Everyone watches the Super Bowl for the commercials right? And there were definitely a few good ones, but more often than not, I found myself distracting my kids, telling them to go play, as well as being thankful that the sexual innuendo would be lost on them. So many of the commercials were embarrassing and offensive, especially to be watching with a 4, 7, and 10 year old! I can't tell you how many times I looked at Mark and said "I am so glad we don't have cable!"

Am I the only one who noticed this or was bothered by it? Has my "lack of exposure" to today's advertising made me oversensitive? Or has overexposure made the rest of the world oblivious? (And in case you wonder what I am talking about just go to youtube and watch a few of the commercials again with new eyes... i.e. Doritos: Two men in a Sauna, Sealy: A bunch of couples in bed, Pepsi Max: "I want to sleep with her, I want to sleep with her", and Hotdaddy.co: Joan Rivers hot body. (blech)

An Adoption/Attachment/Adjustment Quickie

2011-01-09T13:48:00.003-06:00

I have recently read a few posts that really echo our experiences, thoughts, and emotions as we walk this adoption road that the Lord has put us on.

I don't know this gal, but this is a great post for anyone who is in the process of adopting, getting close to bringing your child home, in the early weeks and months of having your child home, or pretty much any other stage... LOL! We had a LOT of these types of interactions with our kids early on, and I can remember being so proud of the times I was the "super-human, detached, clinical mom" and feeling so guilty for those times when I was "drawn into the tangle".

http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2010/09/side-stepping-drama.html

My favorite quote from the previous blog post:

"But I can say that no amount of knowledge or learned skills have prepared me for the way all of this gets to the core of my character."

AMEN.

This second one is actually a link to several posts on the adjustment and emotions involved in becoming a family. Kim is a VERY good friend of mine, who brought her two ET kiddos home just weeks after we brought Jordan and Kloe home. We have similar personalities, so perhaps that is why I can always relate to her honest, tell it like it is style!

http://ablissfulheart.blogspot.com/search/label/adjustment

Someday I hope to have time to share my own words, but for now, there is a lot of good stuff in the above posts!!

Bad back

2011-01-05T14:48:00.001-06:00

When I was 18 I was a nurse's aid. I was planning to become an RN someday. I worked for a few months at a nursing home and couldn't stand it anymore because my back was ALWAYS aching. I think there were several reasons for this.

1) Bad genes

2)Being short (lifting heights are much higher for short people and this puts a lot more stress on the back

3)The nature of nursing home work- always trying to do a two person job alone or a three person job with two etc.

Regardless, I quit being an aid and decided nursing wasn't meant to be for me. Over the last decade I have had 3 incidents which I believe were related to a bulging disc. I also had one 6 month stint of chronic back pain where I spent hundreds on a chiropractor then went to physical therapy for a couple months, neither of which cured my back pain. Ironically it mysteriously disappeared after our trip to Ethiopia. (Possibly due to being pregnant with Nathan and the extra progesterone causing my muscles to relax). This was all at the back of my mind when I decided to pursue nursing again. I even prayed that if my back could not "hack" the nursing field that God would show me clearly before I wasted my time. After all for the last couple of years my back had been fairly well behaved so I had some hope...

.... until two weeks before Christmas. I bent over to pull up on my 60+ pound 6 year old and instantly knew I had made a very bad mistake. A mistake I am still trying to recover from 3.5 weeks later. You know where this is going right? Well, sadly, God answered my prayer, but not in the way that I was hoping for! Guidance is guidance none the less, and it has become pretty clear to me that my aging and undependable back is not suited for the rigors of nursing.

All is not lost however as I will pursue another career. Something that was 2nd choice, not because I liked the idea less, but because in my impatience I did not want to have to go to school for 4 years instead of 2. It just so happens that the local college Mark and I planned to attend offers a 2+2 program where you can get your teaching degree. Yes, I am going to go back to school, not to be a nurse, but to be a teacher! Now if I had my dream job, I would teach math only, as I love it, and I love explaining it, and I love helping people to understand it. But it doesn't exactly work that way. To begin with the degree will be in early elementary education (k-6). I hope to eventually focus in on math, but that is all way way in the future and I am slowly learning not to plan too far ahead.

After my initial disappointment, I have really warmed up to the idea for several reasons. First it is almost CERTAIN we could get a position with mercy ships as they are always looking for teachers who will make long term commitments. This is not the case for nurses who they don't tend to have a shortage of since they allow short term commitments. Second, we STILL have a heart for Japan. So this could also open a door for us to go back to Japan some day as a teacher in a DODDS school. Third... one back incident will not put me out of a job. Fourth, I can complete much of my schooling online the first two years and will not have to have the two littlest kids in full time day care. This is huge as it was probably the biggest negative of going to nursing school for me. It will also save us ALOT of money. Child care is NOT cheap.

So, while I am not happy to have this troublesome back problem, I am quite pleased that the Lord has used it to guide us in a new direction. =) And that my friends is the change to the change to the change in our plans for the future. I think that is about plan G... we still have H-Z as possibilities.... HA.

The thing about promises...

2011-01-04T13:15:00.004-06:00

There's this thing about promises. You have to believe them and walk in them to get the benefit. God has promised me REST in 2011, but REST takes work. Seems like an oxymoron I know. But already I have had to restrain myself from jumping into the next new thing that I want to do. I feel the Holy Spirit's gentle nudging. "If you want to receive the REST I have promised, you may have to be willing to lay some things aside." This for me is SCHOOL. I want to get a jump start on some more classes and I keep thinking that I could squeeze one or two into my schedule this next 8 week term. NO. Yes, I know I am moving in 9 weeks and that takes time and preparation, but these classes aren't hard, just busy work really. NO. But if I work on them now that is one or two less classes I will need to take next year. NO. So... slowly, I am learning that my season of rest will only come if I am a willing participant. No classes for me this term, it's killing me, but it is for the best.

Also... stay tuned for a pretty BIG change in our future plans. Yes my friends, God has thrown the Van Clan another curve ball...

A promise for 2011!

2011-01-02T20:22:00.003-06:00

When I woke up on 1-1-11 the first thing I did was open the Bible and pray that God would give me a word for 2011. It is no secret that we have had a stressful 1.5 years. We went from three to six kids, which included international travel, adoption, and a surprise pregnancy, we lost 90% of our material posessions to a tornado that destroyed our home while we huddled under a table in the hallway. Those are just the BIG stressors... Unrest, Stress, Struggle, Change, and Trials, are all good words to describe our life in 2010. In some ways it just seemed like we couldn't catch a break.

We have prayed many times over 2010 and asked the Lord for a season of rest. A season where life just seemed to "work" and the day to day problems were manageable... which brings me back to my prayer on 1-1-11. I opened my Bible to the book of Joshua and began reading. It wasn't long before I came to the promise God had for us.... only God could know it was the thing I wanted and needed more than anything! (From Joshua 21:43-45)

So the LORD gave to Israel (The Van Clan) all the land of which He had sworn to give to their fathers, and they took possession of it and dwelt in it.

[The Lord has given us a new land (TN) and we will take possession of our new home soon]

The LORD gave them rest all around... And not a man of all their enemies stood against them;

[REST!! Just like Israel, the Van Clan is looking forward to a season of rest!]

Not a word failed of any good thing which the LORD had spoken to the house of Israel [or Van Druff]. All came to pass.

[God's promises never fail... He is faithful!]

Goodbye 2010... and you are very WELCOME 2011!!

Where You go, I'll GO!

2010-12-03T08:22:00.003-06:00

The week since Thanksgiving has been one of the most gut wrenching, soul-searching weeks of my life.

It all started with a simple Facebook comment on Thanksgiving Day. One that I meant with all my heart. "I am thankful for Nathan, the source of so much joy. I am so glad that God knows better than me how many children should call me "mama". (What I didn't write, was that is 6 and only 6, right Lord?).

Skip ahead to Tuesday afternoon. The Chris Tomlin song "I Will Follow" is playing on the radio. "Where you go I'll go, Where you stay I'll stay, When you move I'll move, I will follow YOU". I was contemplating this and thinking about how God had never really lead me to a place I didn't want to go. I prayed right then that if God ever asked me to follow Him to a hard place, a place I didn't want to go, that I could STILL sing that song and mean it.

Later that night I realized I was "late". Just mentioned it in passing but didn't think too much about it. Then in the middle of the night as I was fighting insomnia for the second night in a row, I remembered that one of the first MAJOR symptoms of pregnancy for me is insomnia. Then I realized that I had felt nauseous that morning. I just knew right then and there that I was pregnant. Every feeling imaginable washed over me: Anger, Pity, Panic, Devastation. I woke Mark up and bawled my eyes out. Doesn't God know that we have PLANS? Doesn't God know that I can't take care of a baby and go through the first three months of BEDRIDDEN morning sickness? Doesn't He know that last pregnancy I was a psycho-mom? This cannot be good. (Where you go ... I'll go...) Mark prayed for me, I got a little bit of peace and decided that if God called me to it, He would help me through it.

Then yesterday out of the blue I got a facebook message from someone who had no idea what I was going through. She was thanking me for being a blessing without realizing it. She talked about how she had seen my Facebook status about Nathan and thought "that's nice and so true" and how just this week she found out that she is pregnant. She is 40 (like me... well this month I will be!), she has 6 kids already (like me) and this was just NOT in her plan (like me). She told me when she found out she was pregnant she "... had a good cry, and immediately remembered your post. I WILL trust that God does indeed know what I need far better than I know what I need."

Remember at this point I am still fairly convicned that I am pregnant! But either way, it was no coincidence that God sent me that message on that day of all days. It was like a personal love not from the Father, reminding me that HE has a plan and it IS the BEST plan.

Well this morning my period finally showed up, almost a week late. I have never been so relieved in all my life. NEVER. Would I have loved and cherished another child? You bet! But it wasn't what I really wanted. I was overwhelmed completely at the thought. Sometimes I think God tests us. Not because He doesn't already know everything in our hearts. He does! I think sometimes God tests us to give us a glimpse inside our own hearts. In the end, God answered my question and I discovered that I really could sing the words of that song, even if God took me to a hard place. "Where you go, I'll GO!!"

An Epic Update... or maybe just this...

2010-11-14T19:55:00.003-06:00

It is time for a really really long update, but then I don't suspect anyone would read it. So I will KISS. Keep it simple silly. :-)

Since I last posted...

*Mark is taking 4 credits and I am taking 9 credits this semester. (Pre-reqs.)

*Katie has moved out and decided to go to college here in Arkansas. She has had enough moving with military life, I guess, and wants to stay in one place for a change.

*Luke is looking for a job. He can't get his driver's license until he gets a job to pay his insurance.

*Jordan is struggling with language and reading, after a lot of research I am thinking he may be dyslexic. Praying for wisdom and guidance for what his needs are.

*Kloe started meds for ADHD and a beautiful, eager to please, funny, vibrant little person has emerged. Our family life is MUCH improved. Thank you ADDERALL. THANK YOU GOD.

*Nikki turned four and grew up overnight. Seriously.

*Nathan still has no teeth. (Mama still gets no sleep. LOL.)

*Mark's accord engine blew up and we had to buy a new one. (cheaper than a new car!) Luke's motorcycle blew up, and he needs a job to fix it.

*We closed on our house in TN

*We have decided the kids and I will move March 19. Mark will come back and forth until his retirement in August. He will be able to spend most of the summer with us in TN.

That about covers it! Hopefully after my classes finish in Dec. I will blog on a somewhat regular basis again. I have a lot to talk about!

Ethiopian Mission Trip Give away...

2010-10-25T08:34:00.001-05:00

My adoption and bloggy friend Kari and her husband are leading a mission trip to Ethiopia in February in partnership with visiting orphans. She is planning to give away TWO free slots on her mission team. So if you've always wanted to do something CRAZY like this but perhaps money was an obstacle, here is your chance!!

This is what you do... Go to her website MY CRAZY ADOPTION and read about what you need to do to enter the give away. This opportunity ends Oct. 28th so don't waste any time!!

Looking for a church home in TN...

2010-08-16T09:53:00.003-05:00

Mark and I have been searching churches near Oak Ridge, reading "About Us" "Vision" and "What We Believe" statements until we are cross eyed! :-)

We know what we were hoping to find and what we were hoping to avoid. And honestly the "hoping to avoid" was everywhere and the "hoping to find" was like looking for a needle in a haystack!

For a humorous look at what we are hoping to avoid... check out this hilarious but all too true youtube video...

I used to think contemporary and relevant were good things in a church, but in my personal experience when they are used to "sell" a church, they have become euphemisms for "We promise you will always feel comfortable here, and you don't need to worry about feeling convicted because we won't talk about that little three letter word S-I-N. Instead you will always hear a feel good, self-help message that will incorporate a Bible verse or two --this is church after all." BUT it's watered down church that does little to ground people deeply in their faith.

We have found one church (in the local area) so far that looks like it is committed to teaching the Word of God expositionally (book, chapter and verse), is governed by a unanimous plurality of elders (a biblical model of church government), desires to equip and send out, and has a focus on growth and relationships over programs and facilities. It is actually a plant of Faith Bible Church here in Little Rock. We are excited to visit next time we head to TN.

ADHD and adoption

2010-07-31T12:54:00.009-05:00

One statistic says that as many as 30% of adopted boys and 10% of adopted girls has ADHD. Recently they have been discovering that the gender gap is not as wide as originally thought.

There are things a person cannot understand until they experience them first hand. I never understood depression and thought that people who suffer from it should just "snap out of it" and realize "how good their life is", and then God in His wisdom took me through a period of 6 months where I suffered from a form of depression called PMDD. Trust me, I would have given my right arm to "snap out of it" and I KNEW how good my life was. Through that time, God gave me an understanding and compassion for people who struggle with depression that I never would have had if I hadn't experienced it for myself.

I am sad to say that I also used to think ADHD was largely over-blown as well, and now God in His wisdom has seen fit to give me a child who is extremely inattentive, hyperactive, and impulsive. I was so clueless about ADHD that it took me several months to realize that this child was showing classic symptoms! Several more months have been spent trying to adapt and manage the issues without medications. To every parent with a child like mine, I ask your forgiveness for my judgmental attitude toward giving a child ADHD medication! God has brought us to a place where we realize that medication is the best option we have right now. Our relationship with this child as well as our sanity, our family harmony, and our children's safety depend on it (and God working through it!). So don't judge us, we are desperate! I will never judge another parent on this issue ever again! It's like a friend of mine said... some children NEED help. If your child was diabetic you wouldn't try to manage without insulin, would you?

And....I am now furiously searching my brain for any other misguided preconceived notions I might be holding so I can hopefully deal with them the easy way! :-)

A house!

2010-07-20T21:13:00.004-05:00

When we were moving to Arkansas from Japan, Mark had one day to look at houses. We had prayed that God would make it very clear what house we were to have and He did. While Mark looked at many houses there was clearly ONLY one that would work for our family and we ended up putting an offer in that day.

Fast forward to yesterday. We are in Oak Ridge, TN where we will move in 10 months and looking at homes. We prayed the same prayer... God make it obvious. We looked at 11 homes and God made it very obvious that none of those homes were "our home". Then came the 12th home... the last one on our list and also one of the lesser priced ones. And it was OBVIOUS that if any home we had looked at that day was to become ours, this was the one! It was the first and only home that Mark and I had any enthusiasm for! It was large enough for our family, the price was right, the location is incredible.

***** I wrote the paragraphs above on Tuesday. It is now Thursday and we have an agreed upon contract for "THE" house. So I want to tell you a little bit more about it... *****

Well the last two days have been a flurry of offers and counter offers and phone calls amidst Dollywood and Splash Country festivities, and we finally nailed down a contract acceptable to both parties! WAHOO!!

The house we have purchased is AMAZING (but probably only to us... LOL) It is a converted duplex, which means it used to be two homes and now it is one. It is 68 years old. It is nothing especially pretty to look at, but it has 4 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, 2 living areas (one for the kids to play in and one for the big people). It has brand new big beautiful windows throughout, it is freshly painted, has brand new wall to wall carpet, a screened in back porch, and a beautifully landscaped yard. The most amazing thing is that we looked at homes 25+ thousand more than this home that were not nearly as nice! And the LOCATION is awesome. Walmart, Kmart, our college, Luke's high school, the kids elementary school, Food City, Kroger, Movie Theater, and every imaginable fast food restaurant, numerous parks and churches are literally within a mile of our home.

I just love how God works. He answered all of our prayers...

*That "THE" house we were to buy would be the only house and it would be obvious

*That we could find a house that was centrally located to everything (tired of living 15-20 minutes out of town!)

*That we could find a house for around the median sales price of all homes in Oak Ridge (this was a secret prayer of mine!)

Moving Forward

2010-06-19T15:02:00.002-05:00

Well, 7 weeks have passed and our future is looking quite a bit different than what we thought would happen "BT" (before tornado). Mark and I have always wanted to go into full time missions work when he retired from the Air Force. Our big dream is to get enough medical training (Me my RN and Mark an A.A.S in Radiography) to work and serve with a Christian organization called MERCY SHIPS. As we often thought about how this would all work with our kids ages and stages it seemed like a dream that was just SO FAR AWAY. Then came the night that changed everything.

When we lost our home we were in a state of chaos. It seemed like there were hundreds of paths we could take and no one path seemed more clearly the right one than the other. We just didn't know where to go from here. In the end, a simple question to my oldest son Luke, made nearly every path disappear except one... and it was one that we had not even seriously considered. I asked Luke (assuming I already knew the answer) how he would feel about moving to TN when Mark was eligible to retire next year. I just knew he was going to say he thought it was the worst idea ever, he is in high school after all. Instead he shocked me by saying "Let's DO IT!" (I think he had a few second thoughts later...LOL). This simple answer set in motion the plan for the Van Clan that finally seems right. The plan as of right now is for us to move to a small town outside of Knoxville, TN called Oak Ridge, which is less than an hour from Grandma and Grandpa, and BOTH Mark and I will go to school at the same time.

Financially this would have been impossible before the tornado. "BT" Mark was planning to stay in the AF for a few more years, although he wasn't thrilled with the idea. Not that we don't like Air Force life, but after 20 years he is just ready to move on. We may be able to buy a house with an SBA disaster assistance loan at a super low 2.75% interest rate, and we are saving every dime we can from the insurance proceeds to help support us, along with Mark's retirement pay during the two years of schooling. Mark will also work part time if possible. After our 2 years of school, we have to get 2 years of work experience and then we can consider applying to Mercy Ships or some other type of medical missions.

This was always the plan and the goal, but we just never thought we could make it happen in the near future. We always talked about how we weren't getting any younger and how we wished we could just get on with it, and now thanks to a timely tornado, that is exactly what we plan to do!

I love what Mark's commander, who is an outstanding Christian leader, said when Mark asked... "Did God really need to send a tornado to get us to see His plan? I mean couldn't He just have sent an email or something?" Col. O said "Yes, Mark, but then your family wouldn't have the incredible testimony that they do." Amen Col. O... that is an awesome perspective.

Trees

2010-06-05T12:15:00.006-05:00

This picture is of the trees across the road from us. Before the tornado hit us it came through right here. I actually heard these trees snapping off like twigs and knew, then, that we were in big trouble. Every time we drive by, looking at these trees takes me right back to that night, sitting in that hallway, never so afraid in all my life.

This is a picture of my favorite tree on our property... I don't even know what kind it is, but it makes me feel good to look at it. It was unharmed by the tornado, while a tree right next to it was snapped off. I am so thankful for the little things, like still getting to enjoy the beauty of this tree.

One month ago today...

2010-05-31T20:46:00.004-05:00

This is how we were feeling...

Everybody falls sometimes

Gotta find the strength to rise

From the ashes

And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache

You think it's more than you can take

But you're stronger... stronger than you know

Don't you give up now

The sun will soon be shining

You gotta face the clouds

To find the silver lining

(That's What Faith Can Do- Kutless)

This is what our lives felt like...

But then...

I've seen

Dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do

(Chorus)

One month ago today, we had no home, we had no driveable car, we even had to borrow shoes to wear! Today God has given us a vehicle (8 passenger, so for the first time since Nathan was born our whole family can fit in one car!), He has provided us a temporary rental home, and I am already tired of tripping over everyone's shoes! (8 family members means a lot of shoes!!)

Last week I was sharing our story with someone and I was telling them how in the moments immediately following the tornado I was filled with awe at God's strength and faithfulness to keep our entire family safe in such a tragedy. I didn't care about my house, I didn't care about my things. Not. One. Tiny. Bit. They asked "Is that really true? You didn't care that you had lost everything?" I could say in all honesty that when you stare death in the face and live, in that moment nothing else matters. However, in the weeks that followed, even though the gratitude remains, there is a sense of sadness for all that we have lost. It isn't the "things" really, as they can be replaced. I miss the familiarity of my own home and my old routines. At times it feels almost lonely. And I think God understands. I think He understands that while we cannot help but PRAISE HIM for the miracles He has done, we still mourn the life that we had.

So where are we now? Trying to discern where God would have us go from here. In our hearts we want to rebuild on our lot. But we don't want to be unwise financially. Aside from our mortgage we have always lived debt free. Living in a mobile home allowed us to have the space our large family needed with a mortgage that was well within our means. And yet we don't feel like we should get another mobile home. (Even as large as ours was, and even with HUGE permanent tie downs it was clearly no match for a tornado). So now we are just gently knocking on all the doors in front of us, and asking God to open and close the right ones. He has faithfully led us this far, and I am confident He will continue to do so!

Please continue to pray for the Van Clan

... For God's clear direction for a future home

... For the kid's fears...

... For restful sleep... Mark and I are so weary (I am sick now and I have no doubt it is partly from lack of sleep)

... For a short vacation. We were to travel home this summer to see family for the first time in two years, and now that is not possible, yet we still feel like we should go somewhere and do something fun for a few days at least!

Jehovah Jireh... OUR PROVIDER

2010-05-17T07:26:00.002-05:00

So... I am a few days late with this post but I wanted to share the story of God providing us with our new temporarily permanent home...

We were blessed by a family in our church to use their home while they went on vacation. They were returning home last Tuesday and we had been looking for a place to rent month to month since we weren't sure what our next steps would be. I came across the perfect house, not too small for the eight of us, and it was only two miles from our old lot for clean up and rebuild (if we do). Also the kids would ride the same school bus and knew many of the kids in the neighborhood for that reason. I put on facebook for people to pray and called the realtor who called the owner. She called me back and said they would not agree to a month to month lease or even a six month lease. I was disappointed but God had given me such a peace that He would open and close all the right doors and I was able to rest in that.

Monday came and we still didn't have a place to live. Mark's mom was coming in to town for Katie's graduation and we needed a place. So even though it would be expensive, quite a drive from our lot, school and church, and only a temporary solution, we made reservations for temporary living facilities on the Air Force Base. We did not want to move the kids into another temporary situation, but we just needed to trust God to provide what we needed when the time was right. Monday afternoon while shopping in Walmart I got a phone call. It was the realtor calling me back out of the blue to tell me that the owner changed their mind and was agreeable to a six month lease! I love how God works! He is never too late. We went straight over to sign the paperwork and 3 hours later we had a key to our new place!!

We are slowly getting settled in here. We have most of the necessities we need except a washer and dryer, which we are following up on a used set in Conway. We also need a vehicle, as we have to drive two cars everywhere and one of them is borrowed. We are looking for a Honda or Toyota and there just aren't too many up for sale! (Reminding myself that God is never late!!).

Yesterday both the girls got their regular nap for the first time since the tornado... our normal routine is in sight! Bed time is still very difficult, and Nikki especially is very fearful during stormy weather.

I can't thank people enough for all the prayer support and practical hands on support we have received. God's children have stepped up to the plate and hit a home run on this one!!

Please keep us in your prayers as we decide wether to rebuild or what path we should take now. THANK YOU!!

Home Sweet Home

2010-05-08T20:30:00.001-05:00

I posted this shortly after we moved into our home 2.5 years ago.

Home Sweet Home

One week update!

2010-05-08T08:39:00.002-05:00

So hard to believe that one week has passed. So much has happened and changed. I want to give some sort of an update on all that has been accomplished and what we are still needing.

House/Lot

So many volunteers from our church, Mark's work, and the community have showed up day after day to help clear our lot. Mark and I are just amazed. Where our house once stood is just bare land. Much of what can be burned has been burned and much of the other stuff is sorted into various piles around the property. Something that I thought would take weeks and weeks has been accomplished in 6 days! I am thinking of just getting the words thank you tatooed to my forehead!

Our biggest need in this area is wisdom on what to do with our lot. Do we rebuild on it, sell it, rent it (to someone with a mobile home)? If we rebuild, do we build from scratch or get a modular home. We DON'T want another mobile home though. :-) Do we just rent a house for the next few years that we will be here? We are praying that God will make the way straight.

Our situation is a little unique in that we are a large family living on one income. We can't move in to your typical 3BR 2Bath home! And anything big enough for us is way outside our price range! There is one lead on a foreclosure in Cabot that we are following up on today. It is pretty old and needs work (the bathroom is aqua blue and it has paneling in some rooms and red brick laminate on the floor! LOL!!!) But the size is right and the location is very convenient. Again, just praying for God to make the way straight. Too many forks in the road to choose from right now.

Temporary Living/Transportation

We are still looking for a place to stay on a temporary basis. We move out of here on Tuesday. We may end up getting billeting on base for a while. It's kind of inconvenient and will mean a lot of running back and forth for school, church, etc. but it's only temporary. HOWEVER, that brings me to our next big need... A VAN!! We have a call in to the guy that we got our last 2 vehicles from and he said he would start looking right away. We are looking for an 8 passenger Honda Odyssey. We had a 7 passenger that was totaled and since we couldn't all fit in it, we are using this as an opportunity to get the bigger one. Only problem there is price! We need an older or higher mileage one so it will be a price we feel comfortable with. I know we are asking a lot, but God didn't allow our van to be taken without having something else for us!!

We had the use of a van this past week which has been a lifesaver but we need to give it back. So please pray that one comes up soon or that someone will loan us a van for a few days. Mark's mom is coming into town for Katie's graduation Tuesday, so we need a vehicle! (Mark's car was not covered and it was damaged quite a bit. We need to get it repaired before we can drive it.)

Lots to do today, going through some belongings, going to see the foreclosure, Mother's day lunch at Colton's, and hopefully getting a start on our personal property claim so that we can get the money for our stuff. It is going to be a HUGE job, and I am kind of overwhelmed at the thought of it.

We have been incredibly blessed by too many people to even count. I wish I had more time to thank each and every one! I have been trying so hard to do that but I know I have forgotten some... please forgive me!!

It's been a crazy week, but God has blessed us and sustained us. I am excited to see what the future holds, because I know Who holds our future!!

Click here for Pics of Demolition/ Clean up

God cares about the little things...

2010-05-04T13:10:00.002-05:00

I have been blown away at how God cares about the littlest details of what we want and need. Yesterday I had my very first sad cry when I looked down and realized I didn't have my wedding rings on. I had taken the off to garden and forgot to put them back on. Several guys looked in the area where I thought they might be but never found it. Then my son Luke decided to have a look and he found my engagement ring on the kitchen floor amongst the rubble!

I was taking my final chapter test online when the call came from Katie for us to take cover. Actually the internet had gone out, or I might have tried to finish the test!! I was so worried about how to finish the test and take the final so I could get a grade in the class. Today my instructor emailed and said that she would take an average of my chapter tests and use it as my final!! AND I still get an A in the class!! I was soooo relieved to stop trying to figure out how to finish that class!!! Gotta run for now, but more later about how God is in the details.

An Ocean of Grace

2010-05-04T06:48:00.006-05:00

I love the song "Oh How He Loves Us" especially the part where he says "If grace is an ocean, I am sinking!" That is exactly how I feel. We have been surrounded by people who just want to be the hands and feet of Jesus to our family. AMAZING. I am not saying this isn't hard. We are exhausted, we can't think straight, Mark, Luke and I are all having trouble sleeping at night, but we are HERE. My children still have a mom and a dad, they still have all of their brothers and sisters, they even still have their dog and their cat! Did I say AMAZING yet? My sweet friend Doris Haney said this...

I'm always telling God that He didn't leave us any words in the human language worthy enough to praise Him with. We have to share it with "people words" so our hearts have to be sincere. So grateful God has been blessing you all through others from this...May the blessings continue to flow."

I seriously feel this way. I just don't have words strong or powerful enough to express my praise to God for His care for us through all of you!

I finally got some pics uploaded and I think everyone can see them at this link

The Tornado that Didn't Win!

Some pics

2010-05-03T12:21:00.006-05:00

Here are some pics of our home. Since it was night time we did not realize the magnitude of damage until the next day when Mark went back. When I saw these pictures I knew that we had truly survived the tornado because we were held in the arms of Jesus.

This is the house from the front

This is one of the first pictures I saw the next morning

This is the hallway where we rode out the storm

This is Katie and Kelsie's room (Katie's friend who is staying with us)

This is of a rainbow that I took from my front porch exactly one week before the storm. I believe it is a symbol of God's promise to take care of us!

Trust His Heart

2010-05-01T17:36:00.002-05:00

When I had my first miscarriage in April of 2004 I came across the lyrics to this song. It seems appropriate in our lives once again. When I just don't understand, when I can't see HIS plan, I trust His heart.

All things work for the good
Though sometimes we can't see how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth

Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just can't see Him,
Remember He's still on the throne

Chorus:

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His Heart

He sees the master plan
He holds the future in His hand,
Don't live as those who have no hope,
While our hope is found in Him.

We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me,
To someday be just like Him

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you

When you can't trace His hand
When you don't see His plan
When you don't understand
Trust His Heart

Written by Eddie Carswell & Babbie Mason copyright ©1989 Word Music, Inc.

Our God is Mighty to Save

2010-05-01T06:21:00.002-05:00

Forgive me in advance if this post is hard to follow. Last night while I was taking my algebra test online the internet went out and a few minutes later, Katie (our oldest) called and said "Mom are you listening to the radio?" I said yeah we are trying to but it wasn't real clear. She said they are saying a tornado is in your area. I jumped up and grabbed Nikki, Luke got Kloe and Jordan and Mark handed me Nathan and they brought the dining room table into the hallway. We huddled under it and heard the radio say that we had 2 minutes before it would be right in our area.

You never really think it will hit YOU. Luke wanted to look out the window for it and I told him he would never have time to get safe if he saw it coming. He listened to me for once and got under with us. Next thing we heard this low rumbling noise and Mark said "pressure" and he and Luke felt their ears pop. Luke yelled PRAY!. the house started to shake, we heard a loud explosion (later realized it was the roof coming off) and then we were in the air and in that 5 seconds we did not know if we would live or die. It was over so fast and the kids started screaming, we were all covered in insulation, the table was gone from over our heads and stuff from the kitchen was in my lap. Wall hangings were broken and in our laps, one was over Nikki's neck but there was no glass left in it to hurt her. The only way out was straight down the hallway and out a window. We climbed through glass and the broken window in our bare feet and stood in the rain for a bit. We could smell gas from the neighbors house. We decided to walk to our van and get in. The windshield was busted and glass all over the front seats. We climbed in the back while Mark went to see if he could help anyone else on our street.

Luke sat in the back and prayed with the kids and praised God over and over for his awesome power in keeping us safe. He actually got the kids to be almost happy, praising God and singing songs to Him. Our friend Mike Pendergrass got as close as he could and Katie came from the friends house. Mike took us all back to his house and we got the insulation cleaned off and there was NOT A SCRATCH on any of the younger kids!!! Mark and Luke have some minor cuts and I have a pretty nasty one on my ankle that should probably be stitched, but I don't care if it scars so I will probably just let it heal.

Mark said he went back and the front wall of our mobile home is in the yard. No roof over much of it. The only place we would have been okay was in the hall where we all were. Our God is MIGHTY TO SAVE.

Kloe kept saying "our house is broken". The kids are doing real well now... but only got about 6 hours of sleep. I only got an hour and a half. I am so incredibly thankful to our God for the miracle that He has done!! EVERY ONE OF US IS SAFE!! I did not have to see one of my kids injured or die, and they did not have to see that either. Thank you LORD!!! I will post pictures when I can, you won't believe it. Not sure I believe it!! Thanks for your prayers, we will need it in the days and weeks to come!

Attachment and Bonding with Older Children (Part 1)

2010-04-29T12:47:00.004-05:00

I wanted to write these posts because I think that all too often families struggle with attachment and bonding but don't really talk about it honestly. I think I have said before that I was prepared for Jordan and Kloe to need a lot of time and patience in order to attach to us, but what I did not realize is that it might take just as much time for me to attach to them! Another thing that I didn't realize is that there is not a moment in time where the work of attachment is done, but it is ongoing. At least for me it is a journey and not a destination.

1) Your struggles are normal and it is okay.

Any family that meets their adopted child and feels an instant bond that only grows stronger from that first moment is truly blessed. But, I think the majority of families find that at least at times, you don't feel very much like a mom or dad at first. I often hear people say that they felt like they were watching someone else's child long term. For some this feeling lasts weeks, for others it might last months. (Hopefully not years...LOL!) It is normal. And it is okay.

I think it can be magnified if you have biological children and you try to compare it to the love you "feel" for them. It's not the same feeling, not at first. (Again speaking from my personal experience, but I truly believe I am not alone.) BUT here is a shocker... You don't have to FEEL all "lovey" toward someone to actually love them. "Fake it 'til you make it" is an oft heard phrase in the adoption world. In other words, DO love until you FEEL love. And this is where the power of God comes into play. First of all to help you DO love when you don't feel like it, and secondly to offer you grace, mercy and forgiveness when you don't get everything exactly right. So if you are in the midst of this right now my advice would be 1)You are normal so don't beat yourself up! and 2)Don't strive, but rely on the power of God to work a miracle in your family. He will get the glory when we come to the end of us and realize that we can't do ANYTHING without Him.

If you have insight or an experience to add to this post PLEASE leave a comment... I can't tell you how many times I was encouraged by someone who was going through or had gone through the same stuggles as I. I would love for families who are just beginning the process of attachment to read your comments and be encouraged! Thanks everyone!

NEXT POST: "It takes time"

As soon as I can find the time...

2010-04-25T15:57:00.002-05:00

I plan to write a post about bonding and attachment when adopting older children. I can only speak for us, but I am pretty sure that there are many families who share the same struggles and emotions and they really need to hear the truth...

1) Your struggles are normal and it's ok.
2) It takes time
3) It's hard work
4) There's a light at the end of the tunnel
and most importantly...

5)His strength is made perfect in our weakness!

Sooooo... as soon I have two hands to type with and the time to put a year's worth of thoughts and experiences into words....

Modern day Jonah? Thankfully NOT!

2010-04-23T22:34:00.004-05:00

One year ago today our plane landed in Africa and we stepped off onto Ethiopian soil. We left the U.S. a family of 5 and came home a family of 7. One year later we are a family of 8. All I can say is now I understand why God does not show us ahead of time all that He has planned for us! If I could have seen what the future held I might have turned my tail and ran! Jonah would have had nothing on me!! But I'm glad I didn't know and I am glad I didn't run. I love what our family has become. I am glad I traded my dreams for HIS. It's worth it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

A look back... one year ago

2010-04-01T13:19:00.001-05:00

To God Be the Glory, GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE!

Almost April

2010-03-25T22:05:00.005-05:00

can't believe it is almost April! April is a big month for the Van Clan. Last year on April Fool's Day we passed court in Ethiopia and Bereket and Burtu officially became part of the Van Clan! Then on April 27th we met for the first time. April 28th is our "Gotcha" day. The day they walked out of the transition home and into our family forever.

So much has happened since last April. Can I just say it has been THE HARDEST year of my life hands down?! I tell everyone that I was a "psycho-mom" while pregnant and they laugh... everyone but my kids. I mentioned something to Katie about never wanting to be pregnant again because I was so psycho, and she said "I know... Luke and I used to talk about it all the time." SCARY!!

We are having some struggles with Kloe, and she will be seeing a counselor who specializes in child "play therapy" in the next couple weeks. Kloe has terrible tantrums that have escalated in the past three months. Yesterday while I was holding her down to keep her from hurting herself, myself, or breaking something she tried to bite me and when that didn't work she spit on me. Honestly I did not handle it with grace AT ALL. I lost it. Just being honest here. I wiped the spit right back on her and I took her hand and put it between her mouth and my arm where she was trying to bite. After a few minutes of her screaming bloody murder, I, in a moment of desperation yelled for "Satan to leave Kloe alone and that he had no power over her that she was a child of God and we weren't going to put up with it anymore!" Immediately Kloe stopped screaming threw her arms around me and just sobbed. I really do believe a lot of what is going on is a spiritual battle.

After it was over, I felt horrible that I allowed myself to become angry with Kloe and that I was drawn in to her tantrum. I was praying about it and I was thinking of all that Jesus went through to redeem us and free us from our sin. He allowed himself to be bruised, beat and spit upon and He did not get angry or fight back. It reminds me of a quote on a friend's blog...

My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him." --Derek Loux

Redemption. Costly. Exhausting. Yes. Yes, and YES. I pray that from now on I can have the mind of Christ as I endure in this process of Kloe's redemption.

Empowered to Connect

2010-03-10T16:39:00.003-06:00

If you are a foster or an adoptive parent this website is a GREAT resource.

Empowered to Connect <---- click here

There are videos, audio files and articles on how to foster attachment and connection with our kids from "the hard places". There is some good discipline advice as well. Trust me, it is good stuff! I would actually recommend the parenting videos for any parent, adoptive or not.

The tooth fairy is real!?

2010-03-05T15:00:00.002-06:00

Okay, so with 6 kids and teeth falling out like the leaves in autumn, we don't really do the tooth fairy around here, but some kid at school ratted us out. Jordan lost a tooth and came home saying that if he puts it in a baggie under his pillow when he wakes up he will have money. He was so excited we couldn't NOT put a dollar under his pillow. Only problem is, Mark couldn't find the tooth! So when Jordan woke up he was so excited to have the money AND the tooth. He declared he was going to try for another dollar. I told him that it only works the first night but he said "I am just going to try" and he ran to put the tooth under his pillow. Actually he grabbed another tooth that was sitting on my dresser and put that one under there too. A couple hours later he came running out with a dollar in his hand and a "SEE I told you!" look on his face. Mark and I looked at each other, "Did you?" "Not me, did YOU?" We go and ask Luke if he put the dollar there. He says he didn't even HAVE a dollar. Now we are pretty confident Jordan wasn't faking us out because he was just too sincerely excited about the second dollar. So we are left with an unsolved mystery.... maybe there really IS a tooth fairy?!

Laundry

2010-03-01T15:05:00.002-06:00

One of my facebook friends posted the other day that they were taking some laundry ideas from the Duggars and putting them into practice. We don't have cable so I, sadly, do not get to watch the Duggar's TV show... I am sure I could get lots of good ideas from them. I have noticed that laundry is often a despised chore that moms dread and let pile up. I on the other hand am thankful that when God decided to give me a big family He also gave me a love for doing laundry! I seriously do love it. I think I have a fairly good system too, so I thought I would share what works for us.

I have a dark colored basket and a white basket in my room. The kids are taught to put lights and whites in the white basket and darker colors in the dark basket... so no sorting necessary for me. Each night after we get the girls in bed I try to gather up the clothes and put them in the washer. If I don't have a completely full load, I will put hand towels or bath towels in to fill it up. If I remember and am still awake, I will put the clothes in the dryer before bed, if not I just do it in the morning when I get up.

When each of my kids turn 13 they become responsible for their own laundry. (I might move this back a few years, as Jordan already knows how to do laundry and he is 9!) This means even though I have a family of 8 (or 9 or 10 as it seems there is ALWAYS an extra teenager in the house) I am only doing laundry for 6 right now.

When the younger kids get home from school I make them pull their clean clothes out of the basket fold them and put them away. Nikki (3) does not fold but she does put away. This means that I am only folding for 4 and putting away for 3.

Another tip is towels... we each have our own towel and we hang it up after a bath. As I said earlier I just throw one in with the laundry each night which means they all get washed at least once a week.

So there you have it... now go tame that laundry monster!

Amazing Grace... aka "Kloe's Song"

2010-02-23T16:32:00.003-06:00

Yesterday after dinner we were having a family worship time using the weekly resources offered here. This week's lesson involved singing the song by Chris Tomlin... Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone. As we were all singing, about half way through the song Kloe said, "This song makes me cry!" (Now I am pretty sure Kloe doesn't really understand the full meaning of the words she was singing, but it was obvious that she felt their power.) We went on to sing two more verses and by the end of the song Kloe was just sobbing. It was so precious! But, I wasn't sure if it was a good cry or a bad cry until today when she came home from school. "Can you play that song for me again, Mommy? I like that song. THAT'S MY SONG."

Yes Kloe, it sure is.

F is for...

2010-02-05T09:10:00.002-06:00

FINALIST!!

Just found out that Katie advanced from semi-finalist to FINALIST in the National Merit Scholarship Competition. There are only 15,000 students in the whole country that make it to this level. The best news is that it means she will get a full scholarship PLUS room and board to Liberty University.

WAY TO GO KATIE BOO!!

Meltdown and a Breakthrough...

2010-02-01T20:20:00.002-06:00

In the first 7 months that we were home Kloe threw about 3 major tantrums. In just the last month or so she has thrown that many and maybe more. I am not sure if she is just more comfortable with us now, or if adding a new baby to the family has thrown her for a loop or a little bit of both. Today when she got home from school she was kind of grumpy and being a little bit mean to Nik (which is HIGHLY unusual, they are normally best buds). I thought maybe she needed some down time and told her I wanted her to rest for a few minutes in her room so she could be in a better mood. A crying, kicking, screaming tantrum ensued. She actually has to be in her room when she has a tantrum, and she puts her mouth as close to the door as she can to make sure we hear her. (If it wasn't sad it would be funny!) Today she was in rare form and I actually had to sit on her to keep her from kicking the door and the wall. She was fighting me and screaming in my face and this went on for probably 10 minutes. All the while I just kept kissing her forehead and telling her how much I loved her and that I wasn't going to stop holding her until she stopped fighting me. She would stop and then start right back again once I let her go.

After a few minutes I just started to pray for her. Praying that she would know how much we love her, that God would help her deal with her "big" feelings, that we would know how to get through this together. All of a sudden she just stopped fighting and threw herself into my arms crying "Mama, mama, mama". I just held her, kissed her, stroked her head and told her how much I love her. It was like someone flipped a switch and she was back to her happy go lucky self again. We talked for a while and I told her the story of how God picked her and Jordan especially for our family, and our family especially for them. She looked at me and said "I don't like Sidama, or Addis Ababa because they hit me there. I like it here."

"I like it HERE." Just four words. Four beautiful words. They do a mama's heart good.

Due Date

2010-02-01T12:03:00.005-06:00

Tomorrow is my due date (and my Momma's birthday!) and sweet Nathan is now two weeks and two days old. He is a very mellow babe (a lot like his older brother was), which is just perfect for a sixth child. I usually have to wake him to feed him as he is quite the sleeper. Nikki just loves him to death and so do the other kids. I think they are all anxious for him to grow up a little so that they can interact with him more. Today, Nikki cried when I told her she couldn't feed him cheerios yet.

I am feeling REALLY good... since we came home with Jordan and Kloe, and I found out I was pregnant just 3 weeks later, I have felt like I was in survival mode. It seemed like I was just treading water and didn't have anything in me to handle the major adjustments that needed to take place in our family. Now I feel like I have a new energy to tackle life and I am no longer being completely controlled by pregnancy woes and powerful hormones. I knew the last 9 months were hard, but now that I am coming out of the pregnancy and hormone fog, I am realizing just HOW hard. It is like I can breathe again!!

While pregnant I gained 24 lbs. and I have now lost 27!! Woo hoo for nursing babies... thanks baby Nathan, you can have all of my extra fat if you want!

We started a reward system with Kloe and so far it is working quite well. She gets to earn stickers for being a good listener (up to three stickers a day) and ten stickers earns her a trip to the dollar store for a treat. She seems to be quite motivated to earn those stickers at least for the time being. Hopefully it won't lose its appeal any time soon!

I love this picture of Jordan and Nathan...

Renee's Ramblings

2010-01-28T11:56:00.002-06:00

It seems I don't have time to write well thought out blog posts any more, so what follows is Renee's Ramblings or as my writing teacher called it "Stream of Consciousness". I figure some blogging is better than none!

Natie boy is now 12 days old and doing great. We had a rough start to nursing and this hormonal mama was quite distraught! However, I know that I know that I know praying friends and family helped us turn the corner and now we are doing well! We have a 2 week check up tomorrow and we will see if his weight is coming along like it should be. I think it is as he has plenty of dirty dipes!

The kids are adjusting well to the new baby, and Nik especially is just taken by him. But as much as she loves him, her world has still been rocked a bit, and the baby is now our "big girl" and just a little bit emotional at times. It is to be expected. The rest of the family is really taking it all in stride, and Katie and Luke have stepped up to help out quite a bit. I am very proud of them.

Now that we have Nathan here with us, I am no longer physically miserable and am starting to get my feet back under me, we really need to turn our attention to some potential issues with our sweet Ethiopian babes. In some ways I feel like so much has been against us when it comes to attachment and bonding and becoming a family. In my eyes the pregnancy and all the hormonal and physical stuff that come with it has made our adjustment as a family more challenging that I had hoped. Now that the post partum hormones are hopefully waning, the time has come to really focus on some things.

First thing is Jordan's difficulty with English. Jordan is very smart and gifted in certain areas, and he really struggles in others. After 8.5 months home, he still cannot construct proper sentences... even short ones. He cannot "mimic" a proper sentence as short as "Will you please go out?" or "Where is my iPod". Last night Mark spent ten minutes trying to get him to say "Where do I put this?" No can do. Not sure where to go with that, but we need to get some extra help I think.

Our struggles with Kloe girl are much more troublesome. We are fairly certain that she has ADHD or something similar. At six years old she has no impulse control at all. You can tell her not to do something and seconds later it is as if she never heard you. She cannot control her body either, she is always moving, bouncing, dancing or wiggling. At times she has even hurt Nikki because she does not think before she does something. You will constantly hear us saying "Think before you do something" or "Listen to my voice and obey it" or "Why did you do that when I told you not to?". This goes far beyond normal childishness and I cannot tell you how difficult and stressful it makes our relationship with her. We need prayer and we need a strategy to improve things. I will say that thankfully she is not defiant at all, she just cannot seem to control herself. On that note, we will be discussing it with the Dr. tomorrow when I take Nathan in for his check-up. We covet your prayers for improvement in this, we want to love and cherish Kloe as she deserves, and we want to lower the stress level in our relationship!

The Arrival

2010-01-19T14:25:00.002-06:00

The Story of the birth of Nathan James @37 weeks 4days
Born: Jan. 16, 8:26 am,
Weighing: 6lbs. 12 oz./ 20" long

It was a long week and I hadn't gotten much sleep. My bladder was having spasms off and on and I was pretty miserable. Friday evening the 15th, Mark and I went out to dinner at Colton's and had steak... YUM. We ran into Walmart for a few things and saw my friend Amy from the gym. As we were chatting I told her that I thought it would be a couple weeks yet before I went into labor. HA!

After we got home and went to bed my bladder was in rare form and I decided I couldn't sleep I would get in a hot bath. Got a big glass of water and soaked for a while. It helped, but not much. Had Mark get me another glass of water and just stayed in the bath until about 1:30. Got out and tried to sleep. Around 2:15 or so I had to go potty and as I was sitting on the toilet I felt (heard?) a "pop" and a huge gush of fluid came out right into the toilet (how convenient!).

Called Mark in and told him what had happened. He began to get everything ready to go and I called Mary my midwife who had agreed to be my doula when I changed to a hospital birth. We agreed that we would meet at her office which is 10 minutes from the hospital and decide what to do from there. I wasn't having much in the way of "real" contractions yet, so she suggested we all get some rest. Everyone got settled on couches etc. with pillows and blankets and just as I started to get comfy the first good contraction came on. It was just before 4. I let everyone sleep until almost 5:30 and decided it was time to go to the hospital as I didn't want to have to do all the checking in etc. while I was in major active labor.

We got to the hospital about 6am and my contractions were probably 7 ish on the pain scale and coming about 6 minutes apart. They were good ones. In between the good ones I would have one or two what I called mini-contractions... really short but painful ones. At this point the nurse checked me and
I was 5 cm and almost fully effaced. I labored on the birthing ball and Mary rubbed my back and Mark held my hand. We did this for 45 minutes or so. It was shift change for the nurses and it just so happened that one of the nurses coming on was also a doula who has worked with Mary before and she was just AWESOME. She didn't make me get the hep lock, she let me get right in the bathtub and was just amazing and supportive the whole time. I got in the tub and it did help with being able to relax my body through contractions, but they weren't really less painful,, not for me anyway. It just felt better to be in the water than out.

Around 7:30 I started having some "pushing contractions". Caitlin, my amazing nurse, got the birthing stool ready for me and I got out of the tub and got on it. The doctor finally makes an appearance and checks my dilation. At this point he says that I am complete on one part of my cervix but the other still has about a 3cm lip. (Turns out that Natie was coming out a quarter turn off and that is why I had the lopsided dilation). Doctor leaves the room thinking it will be a while I guess. Caitlin had me get on the bed on hands and knees with my chest down to take some pressure off and so I wouldn't push too soon. That was HARD! At this point they had someone trying to take my blood because they hadn't gotten any yet... that was CRAZY!

Caitlin (did I mention she was amazing?) said she thought she could slip my cervix over Nathan's head so that I could start to push again and 2 pushes later that is exactly what she did. I got back on the birthing stool and started pushing again. We did this for 30 minutes or so and I felt like it was just not happening, that it was taking too long and maybe he was stuck or something. They just kept encouraging me that everything was going great. I think that Caitlin had no intention of getting the Dr. again, but would have delivered Nathan herself, but he did finally come back in the room about 5 minutes before Nathan was born.

At this point I had had it and was desperate to push that boy out. Knowing that nobody can do it for me, I just push with everything that is in me and finally he crowns. As his head comes through the Dr. slips the cord over his neck and says take it slow, his shoulders are just a bit stuck. A minute later at 8:26am he was out! There is no relief quite like that one!! They hand me Nathan and all I can think is WOW, he is sooo tiny!! The Dr. starts to cut the cord and I ask him to please wait a few minutes, so he agrees but tells me I have to keep the baby low or the blood will flow back to me instead of into Nathan. (THIS IS NOT TRUE! ) After a bit he let Mark cut the cord and I got into the bed. They check and I only have a tiny tear which Mary said didn't even need stitches, but the Dr. put two in anyway! (This is a first for me after 3 episiotomies, two of which had 4th degree tearing as extensions of them!) At some point the placenta came out, and I really wanted to look at it, but was so taken up with Nathan that I completely forgot!

Christmas Stockings

2009-12-14T20:02:00.002-06:00

For the longest time I have wanted matching Christmas stockings. This year I thought to ask my Mama to make me some as a Christmas gift. Mark nailed them up tonight and they look great! I must admit that today I had a chuckle when I remembered that for 12 years we were a family of four and then I recalled sitting on my bed after miscarrying a baby we had tried 6 years to have and asking God to just let me know if we would "ever have any more children". I was content with our family of four, but I was also content to have more babies if God so chose to bless us with them. I was NOT content with the unknown though! And boy looking back it is pretty funny how much was UNKNOWN! It's probably a good thing God chose not to reveal to me all that would eventually take place to make "The Van Clan" what we are today. Sometimes the unknown is a good thing! However, I do hope that all of our "unknown" is now known (at least in regards to family size)!!

Natural Childbirth Part 2 ... Pitocin

2009-11-25T20:31:00.003-06:00

Pitocin is the synthetic version of the natural hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin is a wonderful thing that plays a huge role in pregnancy, labor, bonding and breastfeeding. It is often called the "love hormone". Pitocin is used to either induce or augment labor, often without any medical justification. When pitocin is used it interferes with the natural release of oxytocin. Unfortunately pitocin is a poor substitute for the real thing. God's design is always far superior to man's.

One difference is oxytocin is produced in bursts and pitocin is given in a continuous steady IV drip. This causes contractions that are longer, stronger, closer together and more painful. For the mom this often means she will require pain relief, for the baby it often means that there is not enough time between contractions for the baby to get the oxygen and blood supply that it desperately needs. This can cause abnormal fetal heart rates and fetal distress which can lead to instrumental delivery or C-section.

It is estimated that 50+% of women receive pitocin either to induce or augment their labor. One reknowned obstetrician called it the most abused drug in america. In my third labor the Drs. wanted to give me pitocin soon after arriving at the hospital, which I refused. They came back almost every hour wanting to administer pitocin to "speed things up". At 11:30 am the Dr. told me she would be back in an hour and I would have to get pitocin if I hadn't "progressed" enough. She was late coming back and Nikki was born at 1:00 PM (just 1.5 later!) I did not need "help" with my labor and I knew it. Most women do not have this confidence or are not armed with enough knowledge and blindly accept what the Dr. says they "need". Just remember.... God designed a woman's body to be able to deliver her baby. In the vast majority of cases, HIS design works... and it is better and healthier for mom and babe.

Natural Childbirth: What's the big deal anyway?

2009-11-24T19:39:00.002-06:00

I haven't had much of a chance to post about natural childbirth as I had hoped. Something about having 5 kids and being pregnant for your sixth keeps a girl busy (or sick, or tired) or all three.

Let me start by saying that my thoughts about childbirth are an extension of my trust and faith in God's design for women and babies. More often than not, when this intricate process is NOT interfered with, mom and baby will have their best start possible. This is not just an opinion, but it is backed up by scientific research. This is also not to say that there aren't times when intervention is necessary and lifesaving. Thank God for giving us the knowledge and expertise to save mothers and babies when things DO NOT go as planned. But here is where the problem lies. We in America have taken that knowledge and expertise and decided that "Doctor knows better" and we micro manage labor and delivery. Stripping membranes, Induction, augmentation, breaking your water, pitocin, IV during labor, Epidural anesthesia, episiotomy just to name a few. I'm willing to bet that nearly all women have had one or many of these interventions without medical cause. I know that I have.

The following is a short video clip from "The Business of Being Born" on the "cascade of interventions" that can happen once we start to interfere with the natural process of labor. I have seen this happen time and time and time again.

The saddest thing

2009-11-08T12:45:00.003-06:00

Yesterday Kloe made a couple of bad choices and she got into some pretty big trouble. i was giving her a bath and she could tell I was still pretty upset with her about the most recent incident which involved deceit.

She said to me: "Mommy, I go bye bye?"
Me: "What do you mean Kloe? Why do you think you are going bye bye?"
Kloe: "Because I trouble"

She was afraid that I was going to send her away because she had been in trouble. UGH!!! It's such a hard thing to balance. On one hand when they do something seriously wrong, you want them to know it, but on the other hand you want them to feel safe and secure and KNOW that they KNOW that they KNOW that they are forever and always a part of your family and NOTHING will change that. Of course I quickly told Kloe, as I have many times before...

"You will forever and always be my daughter, and a part of our family. NOTHING you say or do will EVER change that."

I hope and pray that someday she believes me.

Words and Time

2009-11-07T21:52:00.002-06:00

I have the desire to blog about what is going on in our crazy lives, but when I have the time I can't find the words, and when I have the words, I can't find the time! So tonight I am going to blog anyway!

Where to start... this week we just passed our 6 month anniversary of being home with Jordan and Kloe. The adjustment has been so difficult in many ways and yet I feel it has gone extremely well. Difficult and well can go together. I did not expect many of the issues we have had, and we have not had many of the issues I expected. One example would be attachment. I fully expected that it would take time for Jordan and Kloe to attach to Mark and I. I did not expect to find it just as difficult for us to attach to them. It is happening, but it is a long slow process.

I did not expect to learn how inadequate I am as a mother. Seriously. Every day I see how incapable I am of being the mom that God asks me to be, and every day I need HIS grace, mercy, and strength in my weakness.

I did not expect the little things to bother me so much. One of our kids doesn't listen well and often does the exact thing you tell them not to do. Not defiant, just impulsive and forgetful and it drives me CRAZY. One of our children is obsessed with food. We have to tightly control the types and amounts of food that this child is allowed to have and it drives me CRAZY. One child is having a very rough time communicating in English, and a lot of it seems to be lack of effort (I say this because if we refuse to listen to the "lazy" English, suddenly they know how to say things right)and it drives me CRAZY. All of those things are so very very minor and yet I did not expect them to get under my skin the way they do.

Having said all that there are also so many positive things I did not expect. I did not expect that all my kids would get along so well, and have such genuine affection for one another. I did not expect Kloe and Nikki to be best buds, but they are. I did not expect the great amount of joy that Jordan and Kloe's love for life brings to everyone around them. I did not expect them to be the wonderful helpers that they are and I did not expect that they would do nearly every task and chore I give them with enthusiasm and joy!

The moral of the story for those who are coming along behind us in their adoption journey.... Expect the Unexpected!!!

Gestational Diabetes... pashoooey.

2009-10-20T16:32:00.003-05:00

Is pashooey a word? Ah well, I am going to make a prediction right now that I do not have a real blood sugar problem. It's a bit early to be so bold, but today when I went to the dietician she showed me how to use the glucometer my blood sugar was a very low 73 two hours after eating breakfast!! They only worry if your number is over 130!!! Then after lunch I got a 96. Doesn't sound like a woman with blood sugar issues to me!!

I am in the process of switching OB's to one my midwife recommends as being more natural birth minded. The hospital I will deliver at is 45 minutes away on a good traffic day. It's not my first choice, but I had to commit to a hospital or a homebirth and I didn't want to pay a bunch of money for our homebirth and end up at the hospital in the end anyway. So my mid-wife has graciously agreed to take the money I have paid her thus far and act as my doula. She even spent over an hour talking with me today. She is awesome, and I am sad she will not be catching my baby at home. I trust that God knows what I don't though, and that this is for the best.

Interracial Marriage

2009-10-18T15:42:00.003-05:00

As a momma with two brown skinned children, the issue of interracial families and marriages is bound to come up, not only amongst ourselves, but also with friends, acquaintances and curious strangers. Almost everyone has an opinion on the subject, and some might even sound pretty good, but what I am really interested in is what God has to say about it.

The following is an article written by John Piper on interracial marriage from a Biblical perspective. It is EXCELLENT and I highly recommend everyone read it and see where your thoughts line up or perhaps need to be realigned to match up with the truths God has revealed in His word.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2005/198_Racial_Harmony_and_Interracial_Marriage/

FAILED!

2009-10-06T20:00:00.002-05:00

Today I had my one hour glucose screening test for gestational diabetes. For the first time in any of my pregnancies I did not pass! I have to go back next week for the three hour glucose tolerance test. Apparently being a "mature" mom puts you at a higher risk. I have never had a big baby and I don't really want to start now... LOL. However, Nathan was measuring more than two weeks ahead of my due date when I had my ultrasound, I already feel him in my ribs and I am only 23 weeks. I am wondering if we just might get our first big baby. YIKES! If it turns out that I have gestational diabetes I would not go ahead with our plans for a home birth. We just live too far from the hospital (45 minutes), and I am a small person, so we won't take any chances. I am hoping though, that I easily pass my 3 hour test and that I have nothing to worry about!!

God is good, ALL the time.

2009-10-05T19:24:00.003-05:00

We have been home with Jordan and Kloe for five months now. I have been pregnant for almost five months. I have been sick with morning (all day!) sickness followed by two back to back colds for 4 out of those 5 months. All this makes for a very uninspired blogger!

Times like this I always come back to a song that has great meaning for Mark and I...Blessed be the name of the LORD! God is not only good when life is easy and everything is going well, but He is also good when life is really hard and a major effort to get through the day. I don't ever want to praise God for the sunshine and not the rain, for it is the rain that makes the sunshine all the more precious and beautiful.

One year ago....

2009-09-26T12:21:00.005-05:00

One year ago Bereket and Burtu's uncle signed the paperwork to relinquish them for adoption. He was given these pictures, and he let us photograph them.

While these pictures are hard to look at, the reflect the reality of the sadness they were going through at that time. They are a part of their story. I am so thankful that for Jordan and Kloe this was not only an ending, but a beginning of something new. New life, new joy, new family...

While far from easy, adopting Jordan and Kloe has been one of the biggest blessings in our lives. They are truly gifts from God to our family. Their love of life really is contagious, and I am so proud to be their mama!

What a difference a year can make!!

Happy Happenings

2009-09-23T16:26:00.000-05:00

I love fall!! I am so excited that the more moderate temps. have arrived. I am also excited to be spending the winter pregnant, as usually I freeze in winter, but hopefully this year, thanks to baby Nathan, I won't be perpetually cold for 3 months!! Here are some pics to let you know what we have been up to...

This was the day we celebrated Luke's birthday. We visited the "Big Dam Bridge" and later we had a homemade ice cream cake... YUM!

Kloe girl has two loose teeth. I am sad to see her beautiful baby tooth smile come to an end, but she sure is having fun making crazy faces. I have a feeling she will be singing the traditional "All I want for Christmas" song before too long!

Mark found some rope and put up this tire swing in the back yard. The kids love it!

Luke has decided to join the football team! He is too late to play this season, but he will practice with them and go to games and then be a regular team member next season. Isn't he handsome? :-)

Jordan is such a goofball! He is loved by everyone he meets. Recently his teacher emailed me to tell me how much he is loved by all the staff and students and how his "Love for life is contagious!" I have to agree!

Katie is looking at going to college in VA. Financial concerns have been at the front of all of our minds and something I have been praying about often. Last night we got some great news! She is a national merit scholarship semi-finalist (Hopefully she'll make finalist!) and one of the colleges she is interested in offers a complete tuition scholarship for semi finalists and a FULL scholarship for finalists. WOW!!

SISTERS!!

IT'S A BOY!!! A.K.A. The story of Nathan James

2009-09-08T20:00:00.005-05:00

We had an ultrasound on Tuesday and found out that we are having a BOY! This is the story of Nathan James... his name "James" was given to us as a promise in 1999. At that time we had no idea how crazy the journey would be to our son. It's a long story, but a good one, because God is good.

After Katie and Luke were born Mark thought "One boy, One girl" life is good, we are done. When Luke was just 3 months old, I reluctantly agreed that Mark could get a vasectomy. I didn't really want him to, but didn't want to have a child he didn't want either. I remember praying that God would change his mind. That was late 1994.

By 1998 I really wanted another child, and started "nagging" Mark to see about getting a reversal. I think his exact words were "If God wants me to get a reversal, He is going to have to write it in lipstick on the wall." After that I felt like the Lord was telling me to "shut up and pray". Not an easy thing for a woman to do! :-) A few months passed and Mark said to me one day, "I've been thinking... I'd kind of like another baby too." THAT my friends was a GOD thing!

So in 1998 Mark had a reversal and after about a year of trying we still were not pregnant. I was talking to some good Christian friends of mine who now have 8 kids, and they encouraged me to ask God if He had a child for us and to give me a name as a promise, they said they would also pray. I started to pray and ask God for a name and felt like God gave me the name "Jacob". My friends prayed for us and the husband felt like God spoke the name "James". I thought this was interesting, although I was curious as to why God would give each of us two different names. That was in 1999.

Fast forward 5 more years. No pregnancy, no baby. I had stopped really even thinking about the possibility. I am content with whatever God's plan is for our family, but in the back of my mind I always wondered why God moved on Mark to get the reversal, and why God gave us two boy names. If God did not plan to give us a child, why did this happen?

In 2004 we were living in Japan and we were both SHOCKED to discover that I was pregnant. 6 years post vasectomy and our kids were 11 and 9!! After the shock wore off, we were of course very happy. Unfortunately at 10.5 weeks we discovered that the baby had no heartbeat. 3 days after losing the baby I was pouring my heart out to God. God do you have another child for us? What about the name you gave me Jacob? or James? And why two names?? It was then that I suddenly realized something that I would never have known had we not been living in Japan. Jacob and James are the same name! They have the same meaning. The book of James in the Japanese Bible is called "Jacob". Jacob is Hebrew and James is Greek but they both have the same meaning. What is it? Supplanter. Replacement. At that moment I felt like God was saying I will replace this blessing that you have lost. Okay God but what if this is just me making all this up in my head? Should I really hold out hope that you have promised us this son? Immediately I was reminded of a card a friend sent me the week before. I ran to grab it and the verse on the front was Hebrews 10:23 and it read "Hold fast to the hope that you have been given, for He who promised is faithful."

Now remember this had been our only pregnancy in 6 years. Getting pregnant again was a long shot! But I did feel as if God wanted me to hope. One year later on Mother's day in 2005 I found out I was pregnant again. Surely this was God's promise!! However, on Father's day I miscarried again. Again I poured my heart out to God and again He gave me a promise from His word...

Romans 4:20-21

He (Abraham) did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform."

9 months later in Feb. of 2006 we were pregnant once again! Surely this was our James/Jacob!! Well if you know us very well, you will know that this was not a boy but rather our precious Nicole Emily who will be 3 next month. Now we were really confused!! Maybe the name was just "metaphorical" and not meant for us to take it in the literal sense of a son?? Who can understand God's ways!!?

When Nikki was 18 months old God let us to adopt. 3 months into the process I became pregnant again, and once again I miscarried. Out of my last 4 pregnancies, Nikki was the only one to make it to term. She is truly a miracle.

The adoption continued and we came home with Jordan Bereket and Kloe Burtu on May 2, and I got a positive pregnancy test on May 27. I was pretty sure this was our boy. Mark insisted that even if it was a girl, her name would be Jamina or some such derivative of the name James. I think he was afraid we would keep having babies until we gave one the name God had given us!!

Today at our sonogram it was no surprise when the tech said "IT'S A BOY!" We think we are going to name this baby "Nathan James". Nathan means "God has given" and "James" means "Replacement". In full it means God has given us a replacement blessing. (As a dear friend of mine said the other day...anyone who has ever lost a child knows that that child can NEVER be replaced which is why we say God has replaced our blessing not our baby.)

While I am overwhelmed at the thought of being a mom to 6 kids, I am excited to see God's plan unfold for our sweet son, our decade old promise from God.

Look out Branson... The Van Clan is heading your way!!

2009-09-03T21:48:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow around lunch time we will head to Branson for the America World Adoption Africa Reunion. Around 25 families from the same agency are getting together for some great fun and fellowship. Jordan and Kloe are sooo excited to see their old friends from the transition home in Ethiopia. Although, Kloe was a little confused tonight when I told her we are NOT going to Ethiopia tomorrow. She still thinks of her friends as being in Africa.

We received a special blessing in that we won a raffle for a 3 bedroom 3 bath condo to stay in for the weekend. Actually another sweet family won, but they could not be contacted all day. The condo manager had to have the info tonight, so we were drawn as the second winners. I am happy, but it is hard to be too happy since I know another family is losing out! I am sorry H clan and I hope everything is okay with you guys!!

The condo is a huge financial blessing to us as with such a large family we had to have TWO hotel rooms for three nights. We will save a lot of money!! We are soooo blessed!!!

Look out Branson... Here we come!!!

2009-08-31T11:05:00.003-05:00

My mom called last week and said that they wanted to come for a quick weekend visit. When I told the kids they were sooo excited and kept counting down the days. They had met Grandma and Grandpa when they first arrived in the states and talked on the phone many times since. Kloe and Jordan enjoyed the attention they received and had a great time as did the other kids, but I neglected to prepare them for one thing. Saying goodbye! It never dawned on me to let them know that this would be a short visit and Grandma and Grandpa would have to go back home. When we said it is time to say goodbye, one look at Jordan's face and I knew we were in trouble. Kloe's alligator tears soon followed! It was so sad, and I think it broke Grandma's heart! Thankfully they were much better before long, but I am sure they are anxious for the next visit!!

Here are some pics from our trip to the zoo. I was so mad that I didn't get a single one of Grandma and Grandpa!!!

Kloe has to have bling even for the zoo! (How did I get a girly girl??)

Jordan love to wear Daddy's uniform hat. We had to get an extra one.

It's so rare these days that we get to do family things with our biggest (BUSY) girl!

The WHOLE Van Clan (Baby bump and all!)

The Kidlets

Luke is such an awesome big brother.

Happy 17th Birthday Boo Bear!

2009-08-23T18:04:00.003-05:00

We had a great day celebrating Katie's 17th birthday yesterday! (her actual birthday is today) This is quite possibly the worst rendition of Happy Birthday most of you will ever hear! Katie asked us to put all the candles in one cupcake, which is why the flame is HUGE!! Can't believe my baby girl is 17. CRAZY!

First day of school!

2009-08-21T14:43:00.002-05:00

I have been such a blogging slacker lately. Probably because life is fairly routine and super busy. I don't like to blog without pictures yet my preggo brain can never remember the camera! The kids had their first day of school Wednesday, and I have no pictures!! Anyway, they loved it and had a great time.

They take packed lunches and Jordan informed me that he didn't need to take a lunch because there is a big kitchen at school. I told him that school lunch cost money and he didn't have any, so he is stuck with PB&J!!

Katie will be taking them in the morning but they bring a bus home. They don't go to the elementary school in our zone, but to the one further away that is designated the "ESL school" (English as Second Language). So to bring the bus home they have to get out 30 minutes early and get shuttled to two other schools before finally catching the bus to our house. The first day they got "stuck" at one of the schools because there was no shuttle. The next day all was well though and they came home on the bus. YEAH!!

Yesterday Kloe told me that she cried at school. I thought she might have missed me until she said "YEAH, school finished, I cry". She didn't want the day to be over!! She burst my mommy bubble, right quick!

Nikki has cried for the kids 2 out of the 3 days when we left them at the school. It is so sad yet so sweet at the same time. And she really seems to enjoy the Nikki and Mommy time once our day gets started.

I had my OB appointment AND my midwife appointment yesterday. 2 minutes with the OB and an hour with the midwife. Just another of the many reasons I am choosing a midwife/homebirth!!

Henceforth...I am going to TRY to be a better picture taker and blogger, but no promises!!

Just stuff

2009-08-10T12:21:00.002-05:00

Little by little I am starting to feel better. I still take 1/2 unisom and a vitamin B6 at night, but that helps me get through the next day. Today I actually felt good enough to go to the gym. I was totally spent after 30 minutes of cardio... but it's a start!!

Lately we have caught Kloe singing different English songs around the house. She loves to sing. She can sing whole melodies and she just makes up words when she can't remember the english. Too cute. A current favorite of hers is Chris Tomlin's "I Will Rise". Today it was playing in the car on the way to the gym and she sang her heart out and lifted her hands up in praise. I thought it was so cool that she has no idea what the words say, but she knows that it is song of praise to God. Just beautiful.

Speaking of Kloe... the girl has mastered riding a bike without training wheels. She can even get started all by herself which only took her a couple days to learn. Jordan took a couple weeks to get that one down!

Today we bought lunch bags for the kids to start school and they were sooooooo excited. Kloe is going to start kindergarten and after talking with the principal we decided to put Jordan in first grade. We decided it was better to put him in a younger grade where he can feel successful and perhaps we can move him up later, than to put him in a higher grade where he would be completely lost. It's a hard decision, but to start with we are placing priority on his academic need over his social need.

I am finally starting to get a little bump and if I wear the right clothes I actually look "a little" pregnant. Over the next few months I will probably be posting a lot about pregnancy and birth and things that I have learned and what led me down the path to a home birth. Since I am pregnant, it is what I spend a lot of time thinking about, researching and learning about, I am also very passionate about natural birth, so of course I will also be blogging about it! For my babyfit friends out there, and anyone else who is pregnant or planning on having more babies, I hope you will find it interesting and informative.

Think about it!

2009-08-05T16:43:00.002-05:00

I saw this on a fellow adoptive momma's blog and had to repost it!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2009

Food for Thought

"A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves money from the public treasure. From that moment on the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most money from the public treasury, with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world's great civilizations has been two hundred years. These nations have progressed through the following sequence:

from bondage to spiritual faith,
from spiritual faith to great courage,
from courage to liberty,
from liberty to abundance,
from abundance to selfishness,
from selfishness to complacency,
from complacency to apathy,
from apathy to dependency,
from dependency back to bondage."

attributed to Lord Woodhouselee (Alexander Fraser Tytler)

A Picture Post...

2009-07-31T11:34:00.002-05:00

Mark took the kids to a mud bog... they were there 30 seconds and got dirty. They thought it was hilarious.

Kloe is doing great learning to rid her bike without training wheels. When she first got here she didn't even know how to pedal!

J man has been a bike expert since about 2 weeks after we got home. He loves to ride his bike.

Eating lunch before our first visit to the water park.

Kloe LOVED the BIG slides. She is a daredevil. Jordan is more cautious.

Luke practicing his African balancing skills. Jordan could walk around effortlessly with these on his head .

This is the day we went to court to finalize our adoption in the state of Arkansas.

The girls getting a little crazy with the hair accessories.

The kids playing outside in the rainstorm.

Our front yard flooded and they had such a good time playing in the water.

We have a midwife!!

2009-07-23T16:17:00.002-05:00

I am just over 12 weeks pregnant and today we had an appointment with both my obstetrician and a midwife. We were able to hear our little beans heartbeat twice!!

We also took the plunge and signed a contract with the midwife. As long as I remain low risk with no complications I will be having this baby AT HOME!!!

For those of you who think having a baby at home is crazy, or dangerous, or whatever, let me assure you that I am a girl who does my research! Numerous studies have shown that a home birth for a low risk woman is AS SAFE as a hospital birth. If anyone would like to read more about it, I would be happy to provide you with resources! All I ask is that you please keep your opinion to yourself unless you have read and researched and have an opinion founded in education rather than fear.

Here is just a little bit of what I have learned...

Did you know that the C-section rate in the US is now over 30%?? That means just by walking into a hospital to labor and deliver you have a nearly 1 in 3 chance of having major abdominal surgery!! (Contrast this to the C-section rate 30 years ago.... 7%). Did you know that in many other western countries it is considered normal to deliver at home? In Holland 1 in 3 women deliver this way. Did you know that despite the fact that we have the best technology in the world our maternal and neonatal mortality rate is one of the highest of industrialized nations?

I could go on and on, but I am sure this subject bores most people so I will get off my soap box for now! :-)

3 months!

2009-07-17T09:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was our 3 month post-placement visit with our social worker. As we sat talking I was amazed at what a difference 3 months makes. Those first weeks were filled with exhaustion, fear, grief, overwhelming emotions and so many changes for the kids and for us. But yesterday as I was describing life in our home NOW, it bore no resemblance. Now, we are a family. We are comfortable, I don't remember the last time one of the kids had an emotional melt down, they are happy and healthy and FUN! (I hope that is an encouragement to those of you who have recently arrived home and are wondering when the new normal will arrive!)

I do wonder though about one thing. Jordan and Kloe are very well behaved. They are kids, and of course they need correction, but they always accept that correction willingly and change their behavior accordingly. (At least until they "forget" what we told them :-)) Of course this is wonderful if it is part of their personality, but I have to wonder if it stems from a little bit of insecurity. Like they aren't certain yet what the future holds for them and they need to be on their best behavior. I wonder when they will balk for the first time at something we tell them or ask them to do, just like our other three do on a regular basis? Sometimes I wonder if that sort of "bad behavior" might actually be a good sign? A sign that they now they feel safe enough and loved enough to not be perfect.

So those of you out there with older kids who are ahead of us in this adoption journey... any thoughts on that??

Van Clan Update

2009-07-05T18:24:00.002-05:00

I wanted to give an update with lots of pics, but I realized that if I wait until I feel good enough to take pics, then upload pics and write about them, it could be a while before I blog again. So here is a pictureless update... just use your imagination!

Mark- He has been my hero for the last 3 weeks. Took leave and totally took care of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE while I laid around moaning and groaning about how sick I felt. Tomorrow he goes on vacation... er I mean back to work. He did a better job of keeping certain areas clean than I do... I was going to post pics of the spotless kitchen here... just use your imagination!

Katie- BIG NEWS... Katie is the proud owner of a white Honda civic with painted blue flames on the side. She has been looking for a car for quite some time and finally found something that Dad would approve of!! The car only had 78 K and since it is a Honda it has lots of good miles ahead. The person who owned it before her got a little crazy with blue spray paint on the inside of the car, but it is all cosmetic and she's a teenager, so blue doors, dash, and seats are "cool"... sort of. Again no pic... use your imagination!

Luke- Seeing his sister with her own car has spurred Luke into action. He wants to fix the tranny in Mark's old integra and he has already detailed the car so that it is cleaner than it has ever been. If only he would spend as many hours cleaning his room as he has spent on that old car!

Jordan- Is one smart little boy. He loves loves loves to build and design things. He is so good natured and obedient. He loves to help... sometimes a little too much! At bedtime he wants to give Nikki hugs and kisses goodnight but she won't let him. We tell him to hug Kloe and he is like "NO WAY"... lol... brothers and sisters are the same the world over!

Kloe- sweet, good natured, a smile that lights up a room and a laugh to die for! That's our Kloe. Kloe is working hard on listening and obeying. She is not defiant, she just has a little bit of trouble following instruction! Sound like any other five year olds you know?? Her attachment with Daddy has blossomed these last weeks since Mark has been the primary caregiver. She readily lets him hug and kiss her, although she still gets a bit squirmy if he tries to cuddle with her too long!

Nikki- she is LOVING having a big sister. It is monkey see, monkey do where Nikki and Kloe are concerned. They play together beautifully and the house is full of laughter whenever they do! Nikki is still quite delayed in her speech and continues to go to therapy. Her vocabulary has ballooned recently but now we need to work on putting more words together for more complex sentences and also on pronunciation. Many of her words do not sound at all like they should and a stranger would not be able to understand much of her speech.

Mommy- I am almost 10 weeks pregnant and while I still feel pretty crummy much of the day, my nausea is not as severe as in weeks past. Tomorrow Mark goes back to work and I really need to suck it up and be a mom again! The ladies at church have done an amazing job of taking care of us... bringing meals which I couldn't eat but Mark and the kids enjoyed immensely! It is such a relief to me not to have to worry about food for my family!

Next time I post, I really hope to have some pictures!!

I am such a slacker!

2009-06-22T14:48:00.004-05:00

I haven't had much of a choice really. I have been so nauseated for the last 10 days or so that I can barely take care of myself let alone take care of my family or blog. Mark is doing a great job wearing all the hats in the family. Today I actually had a couple of hours where I felt good enough to do dishes and laundry. It felt so good to feel productive. The nausea is back again, but hoping for more windows of relief from the relentless nausea in the near future.

Had a little scare over the weekend. Some spotting (very very minor) and a LOT of strong cramping. Was convinced I was going to miscarry. The spotting did not continue and the cramps finally let up, but I still went to the Dr. for a quick check this morning. Bean is still doing fine, and his little heart is still thumping away. Why do kids have to scare the bejeepers out of their parents even before they are born??? Doc said that I need to relax, even though we really can't say that everything is going to be okay until I am past this first trimester. I tried to tell him that I am really not a big worrier (really I am not!) but I don't think he believed me!!

Houston we have a HEARTBEAT!!!

2009-06-16T14:31:00.002-05:00

Both Mark and I had a sense of peace going into our ultrasound today, because we both agreed that either way it would be okay. God is faithful. We were thrilled however when our little bean popped up on the screen with a perfect little heartbeat of 144 beats per minute. Measuring right at 7 weeks 1 day. This is a huge milestone. The vast majority of miscarriages happen before a heartbeat is detected. Two out of three of our babies stopped developing before this stage. We are not out of the woods yet, but we cleared a major hurdle. We don't go back for 5 weeks so please pray that we can continue to walk in peace and that I can get a handle on this blasted "all day lay around and moan and groan" sickness! I am out of options medicinally... zofran gave me a major headache without touching the nausea. I took reglan with Nikki and felt worse, and the unisom and b6 combo seems to take the edge off, but also knocks me out. I know I'll get through it but the sooner the better!!

Oh yeah, I am due on my momma's birthday just as I thought.... FEB 2... Groundhog's day!

Long time no blog

2009-06-14T15:42:00.002-05:00

This past week has been filled with VBS for Mark and the kids and all day morning sickness for me... blech! I am not really complaining because that is suppose to be a good sign of a healthy pregnancy. This time around I am sicker than with any of my 3 miscarriages, but not as sick as I was with Nikki... at least not yet. So going by that it's a toss-up as to whether this is a healthy pregnancy or not. Tuesday morning at 11 we will have an ultrasound and hopefully see a little heart beat and get a due date. If you ask me (and I should know, right?) I think I am due on Feb. 2 which is my Mom's birthday. We'll see if the ultrasound confirms what I think.

Jordan and Kloe are doing great. They absolutely LOVED VBS. Kloe and Nikki go to "school" (Mother's Day Out) once a week and Jordan is a bit jealous. He wants to go to school too. I drove by his school to show him where he and Kloe will go in August, but he has no concept of time yet, so he keeps thinking it is "tomorrow".

The kids did well with their physicals and J man had some parasites so had to take this nasty medicine that tastes horrible. He is getting a big treat when he finishes the full course. He says he wants a "big car".

Mark is taking a couple weeks of leave to help with the littles while I am sick. With hormones and feeling yuck, I felt like I was turning into "Momzilla"! Seriously I had no patience at all, and it was horrible! Katie helped me out quite a bit this week, but they really need a parent. Preferably one that is not sick, mean and hormonal!!

I will update again after Tuesday's ultrasound. Whatever the outcome, blessed be the name of the Lord!!

Not sure what to make of this...

2009-06-06T12:43:00.003-05:00

But yesterday Kloe saw a backpack carrier on our back porch. It has been there since before they came to live with us, one of my friend Emily's free finds on the side of the road and given to us when we still thought we were adopting an infant. Yesterday she asked me
"Mommy, Kloe's?"
I said no.
"Nikki's?"
No.
"Baby?"
What baby, Kloe?
"MOMMY's baby!"
What baby???
"Mommy's baby coming!" (as she pats my belly)

Now, we haven't told Kloe or Jordan that I am pregnant, just in case we miscarry. We just told Katie and Luke on Tuesday evening. I quickly called and asked if either of them told Kloe and they said no. So what made Kloe say that? She has NEVER said anything like it before. For know I get to think it was a little reassurance from God. :-)

I waver between being guardedly optimistic, since I am feeling quite pregnant (exhaustion, nausea), and being pessimistic because I think I should feel even more pregnant! (not tired enough, not sick enough). It's an emotional roller coaster for sure... the not knowing part. I am prepared for a good or a bad outcome, it is the not knowing that I can't stand.

The other day after my first OB appt. we had lunch at Pei Wei's (Lettuce wraps... YUM!) and the fortune cookie said "You don't have to know where you are going to be moving in the right direction". There was a lot of truth in that for Mark and I. God still wants me to rest and trust Him even (especially!) in these limbo times when I have no idea where I am going!

Kloe's prayer

2009-06-04T21:38:00.003-05:00

Tonight Kloe prayed before bed...

"Dear Jesus, Thank you for today. Food. Nikki, Jordan, Kloe, Mommy, Daddy, Lukie, Katie sleep good. In Jesus Name, Amen."

That is about how well I could pray in Japanese after 7 years in Japan and 7 college Japanese classes and she does it in a month!

She is also sleeping with Nikki again tonight after 3 weeks or so in our room. She wasn't too happy about it, but they are both asleep for now.

One month home...

2009-06-03T21:39:00.003-05:00

We have now been home with Jordan and Kloe for one month. How's it going? Well...

Today Nikki had an owie, wanted to be rocked, and let Jordan do the honors, melted my heart.

Tonight before bed, Kloe and Nikki each took turns giving each other zerberts on their belly's and laughing hysterically.

When Mark asked Kloe for a good night hug she literally JUMPED into his arms and wrapped her legs around him.

They are doing great and have become a natural part of our family. Seems like they have always been here!

Here is a list of words that they can say in English (I am sure it is not exhaustive, but I want to try to keep track by making a list every now and then.)

Hot, Cold, Church, Pray, School, House, Come, Go, Outside, Jump, TV, Food, Eat, Hungry, Drink, Juice, Water, Milk, Eggs, Ice, Ice Cream, Chicken, Yes, No, Okay, Please, More, Thank You, Your Welcome, Wash, Brush Teeth, Hair, Eyes, Ears, Owie, Mommy, Daddy, Bike, Car, This one, Bed, Sleep, Good Morning, Shoes, Socks, I love you, What is this?, Oh my goodness, Baby, Big, Little bit, Today, Tomorrow, Soon, Later, Wait, Stop, Dog, Cat, Horse, Clean up.

They also understand many more words than they speak. I am so proud of how well they are adjusting!!

God's plan for the Van Clan...

2009-06-03T12:18:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wish God gave us a detailed road map of where we are and where we are going. You know a one, five, and ten year plan might be nice. Instead He asks us to trust Him. He's the pilot and we are along for the ride. Before I get too philosophical here and forget what this post is about, I need to make an announcement.

I AM amazingly (and very unexpectedly) PREGNANT!

I love that I can announce this via a blog and facebook. I get to say all that I want to say and hopefully won't have to hear but half of the dumb things people (myself included) say in situations like this.

Okay first. This was not our choice and definitely not our timing, but there is a life growing inside of me and OF COURSE I AM HAPPY! This is a welcome child!

Second. Yes we know how this happens. We know how to prevent it from happening. God is bigger than all of that. Enough said.

Third. I am nervous, but completely trusting God at the same time. 3 miscarriages in the last four pregnancies are not the greatest of odds. So far my HCG levels are rising normally. It doesn't mean much... just that for now all looks good. I have an ultrasound in 13 days. We should know more then. Mark and I are hoping for the best and yet prepared for the worst.

Fourth. My wonderful friend Emily said it all when she said "What if you are carrying the next Billy Graham?" (I won't tell you the colorful phrase she uttered when I first told her though!) This baby is in God's hands. Whether I spend days, weeks, months or years being his or her mom is not up to me. May God take whatever days He has ordained for this little one and squeeze as much glory out of them as possible.

The Lord gives and takes away, and still my heart will CHOOSE to say... Blessed be YOUR Name.

Physicals today!

2009-05-29T21:40:00.005-05:00

The kids finally saw the Dr. today. She ordered an x-ray of their hand which will give an estimate of "bone age", tons of lab work, stool samples, and of course a bunch of vaccinations. The kids did great with the exam but were not looking forward to shots or lab work.

I told them both that if they were good and didn't cry or only cried a little, then they could have ice cream when we were done, but if they through a big fit then no ice cream. I went in with Kloe and she cried, but only BEFORE they took her blood. Once they got the needle in she didn't feel a thing. I knew Jordan would be a challenge so I made Mark take him in. I knew I could not restrain him if it was necessary to do so. Turns out he threw a pretty big fit and actually tried to BITE the lab tech!! Mark had to hold his head! We decided to do shots another day!

So, true to my word, Kloe girl got a milkshake. I hope next time Jordan will too!

WORK!

2009-05-26T17:16:00.000-05:00

One thing that Jordan brought with him from Ethiopia, and I hope that I can somehow encourage is a GREAT work ethic. The boy works hard and is constantly trying to be productive! He makes beds, vaccuums, does dishes, hangs laundry etc. Today he was up in the trees on our property and before I knew it he had accumulated a large pile of dry sticks for burning in our firepit. Nikki and Kloe then helped drag them to the wood pile after he dropped them down.

Husking and Eating Corn

2009-05-26T17:06:00.002-05:00

Jordan and Kloe helped me husk the corn for dinner. They told me that in Sidama they eat the ends of the corn cob and it is YUMMY! Nikki and I tried it. I don't have a picture of my reaction but it is similar to Nikki's above!

The 3 Littles in Ethiopian clothes

2009-05-26T13:53:00.001-05:00

Dedication

2009-05-26T13:31:00.001-05:00

Sunday was the day we dedicated Jordan, Kloe, and Nikki.

This was the best picture we got, because we never faced the
congregation during the dedication. So hope you enjoy our backsides
ya'll!

They have the best smiles!

2009-05-23T21:39:00.003-05:00

Jordan's self portrait

Kloe at the park this week. We invented the hairstyle together!

A rare gift

2009-05-22T20:55:00.002-05:00

My sweet friend Emily is a rare gift indeed. I have had other wonderful friends in my lifetime, but none quite like Emily. If you are planning to adopt any time soon, let me just tell you that you need a friend like Emily. (I might lend her to you if you say please!) She was our biggest supporter during our adoption. She lived every moment with us, and shared every up and down and bend and turn in the road. She watched my girls while we were gone, a 2 year old and a 16 year old. (And that is all I really need to say about that!) On top of all that she is incredibly thoughtful and generous. Many of the toys found in my house and many of the clothes found on my kids' bodies are things Em "accidentally" bought. She is a great dumpster diver too! Jordan and Kloe love her already (they have a nickname for her "Key no say"- no idea what it means) and every day the say "Go mommy? Church? Key no say?"

So Em- I hope you know that I know I am incredibly blessed to have the rare and precious gift of your friendship!

Em made me this bracelet (above) and it has a bead for each family member. When I first got it, I thought she counted wrong on the girls. But yes I do indeed have 3 daughters!

While I was in Ethiopia, the women at our church had a banquet and Em hosted a table in our honor. It had an Ethiopian theme and she made these bracelets as favors.

When I got back she gave me this gift that she made. I just LOVE it!

Here is the video I promised

2009-05-21T09:11:00.003-05:00

Can you make out the words?

Aye kanbo lay ah maningi da-a?

or

I can play on my new guitar?

You be the judge!

On a lighter note...

2009-05-19T20:41:00.003-05:00

I will try to get video of this tomorrow because it is just too cute. Every time Kloe finds a toy guitar or anything resembling one, she starts strumming and dancing and singing (what I thought was)

"Eye Kanbo lay ah malingi da-a" "Eye kanbo lay ah malingi da-a"

Well Luke, enlightened me tonight to the real words... ENGLISH words...

"I can play on my new guitar, I can play on my new guitar"

I will try to get a video up of it, it is hilarious!

Can you even believe this?

2009-05-19T20:36:00.002-05:00

Tonight we were going to spend some time praying with the kids in (what is suppose to be) their room tonight. We had just sat down in a circle and Mark was reading them the Bible story when the phone rang. It was Katie's boss and he said she was shaking and had broken out in a cold sweat. I had to leave with Luke right away to go and get her. We think she was having a panic attack. For some reason I don't think this was just a coincidence!

We will be praying over our house and especially the kids room. Kloe didn't even want to nap in there today. We will be praying over our children too. Does the devil really think he can stop us?? He really ought to know better!

Bedtime drama... the sequel

2009-05-19T07:05:00.003-05:00

So as I was about ready to go to bed last night, I noticed Kloe had turned the light on in the bedroom. I decided to check on her, even though we hadn't heard a peep since Luke prayed with her. She had a fleece blanket wrapped around her body, head and face several times. I couldn't let her sleep like that so I went over to unwrap her. When I got to the last layer she jumped and looked at me with a look of sheer terror. I have never seen a girl look so scared. She screamed and it seemed like she was looking right through me. I grabbed her held her tight and said "It's mommy, baby, it's mommy!" She calmed right down, but I finally realized that the she is SCARED!

I use to be scared in my room when I was little. I used to think someone was hiding in my closet. It's irrational but that doesn't matter to a kid. I also would do what Kloe did. Wrap myself up in a blanket, head and all, thinking that would keep me safe. My poor baby, why did I not realized that this was the problem?? We moved Nikki into Kloe's bed and moved Kloe to the toddler bed that is in our room and she was fine from that point on. FEAR. It was fear.

Jordan also was scared because he had a horrible dream. He was able to communicate better this morning, and he made a throat slashing motion and a heart stabbing motion to tell about it. Poor kid. He told me he is sleeping with Luke from now on. I hope Luke doesn't mind!

A few nights ago, Katie shared that she had a horrible dream with black evil demons in it. She had to face the demons and she was trying to say the name of Jesus and couldn't. At the time we just thought okay, bad dream. But now Mark and I think there is more to it and we need to do some serious praying over our children and our home.

Good News Bad News!

2009-05-18T22:15:00.002-05:00

Today was a really good day! The kids and I went to the park for a picnic with friends. Everyone had fun and no one was injured! Came home, had naps, played in the yard, rode bikes, ate dinner... lots of fun.

Today also included 3 meltdowns. Nikki had a meltdown this morning over who knows what, Jordan had a meltdown when Daddy left to go to the grocery store but didn't take him because it was close to bedtime. I had to drag him inside, literally. Then later he was trying to tell me something. "House NO" he would say. He would motion like he was cutting his throat. WHAT does THAT mean? Finally I think we figured out he had a bad dream last night. He wanted to sleep with Luke and we said he could and that seemed to make him feel better.

Kloe had a meltdown after I laid with her for an hour and she still wasn't asleep and I decided to get up. I then laid with her for another 30 minutes and she was asleep but became wide awake as soon as I moved. That girl can throw a mean fit, let me tell you. Mark tried to comfort her and that went over like a lead balloon. I went back in, even prayed with her a couple times through the ordeal, to no avail. Luke comes and asks if he can go in. Less than five minutes later he walks out and Kloe is not screaming. "I just prayed with her" he said. WHAT??!! I tried that and it didn't work for me.

I really don't know what to do. Other nights when she seemed unusually needy/sad I took her into bed with us, but neither Mark nor I can really sleep with a kid in our bed so it is a very imperfect solution. Tonight she seemed more MAD than SAD and so I tried to be a little more firm. "Mommy is going night night too, Kloe. Mommy will see you tomorrow Kloe. Do you want to sleep with a baby, Kloe?" No response except the angry screams when I left the room. This is a first for this kind of fit and it is hard to know where to give sympathy and where to be more firm . We need to keep praying for wisdom... LOTS OF IT.

Delight

2009-05-16T16:01:00.002-05:00

A repost from last August. Somehow this blog post came up in discussion during our Thursday morning women's bible study. I think the message is well worth a repost!

This morning I yawned and stretched and said "Good morning, Lord." half wishing that it wasn't. (the morning part, not the good part.) I say this almost every morning when I wake up. For some reason today I wondered if my Lord was looking down on sleepy-eyed me, and smiling. "Do you delight in me Lord?", I wondered? I know that Your word says that you do, but it is a bit hard for me to think that way." I was pondering this while I was driving into town when our family theme song came on the radio. "Blessed be Your Name" (You give and take away, still my heart will choose to say... blessed be Your Name!) Through many tears, we sang this song to the Lord after our two miscarriages, while we waited 8 years for our miracle in Nikki. I was thinking about how precious Nikki is to us, and how much we delight in her, especially in light of what we went through to get her. In that moment the Lord said to me, "Renee', think about all I went through to get you! I gave my very life for you, don't you think that I delight in you the very same way that you delight in Nikki?" And at that moment, I knew that He does!

The Lord your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

Parasites and tiny Mites

2009-05-16T08:22:00.002-05:00

So, we are in an all out war with creepy crawly critters in this house!

Last week we discovered that Jordan had head lice. Shaved his head, washed all the bedding in hot water, treated everyone's hair (well NOT everyone... more on that later!), and sprayed all the furniture and mattresses.

Thinking all was good we moved on to the next challenge. Scabies. Kloe girl had them pretty bad and they were driving her crazy. Went to the dr. and got this lovely cream that everyone in the family had to apply from neck to soles of the feet. Kloe had to do it twice. We also had to wash all our bedding, AGAIN! The verdict is still out on whether or not these mites are under control.

Then yesterday, Mark calls me while taking the big kids to school. "Wash the bedding again" he says. He saw two tiny little parasites (LICE, again!) crawling on Nikki's pretty little head. More laundry, more hair treatments, more spraying. I can only imagine our water and electric bill this month!

Now for the icing in the cake. (NOT!!) When I first got back I had a diarrheal illness that I think was probably giardia. Now for the first time in her 2.5 years of life, Nikki has diarrhea. Yes she has never ever had diarrhea before, not ever. It fits to a tee the description of giardia. My poor baby.

When our house is lice, scabies, and giardia free, oh what a day of rejoicing that will be!!!

Learning and Adjusting

2009-05-14T21:12:00.002-05:00

I told myself that I would blog a lot when I got home with the kids. I loved reading the blogs of other families who adopted older kids so that I knew what to expect when it was my turn. So some of my posts might seem dull to some people, but I know they will be helpful to those following after us.

We are learning a lot about our kids and constantly adjusting our strategies for dealing with the issues that arise. One issue is food! The kids eat too much. We don't want to make it a big issue, so we are trying to get a bit creative. Instead of a large serving and then the kids asking for seconds we give them a half serving and then happily serve them the second half. Both kids have gained 10 lbs. in the 4 months since our referral!! Also Kloe will shove food in her mouth until it is just stuffed. We have to remind her constantly to slow down, take small bites, use her silverware and not her hands, etc. She is getting better.

Bedtime was another issue. We were trying Nikki and Kloe on the bottom bunk with Jordan up top. We were also having Mark lay with the girls and I would lay with Jordan, but Kloe did not like this at all. It turned out to be too stressful. What we are doing now and it is working well is putting Nikki to bed in our room (we moved her toddler bed in there), then Mark lays with Jordan on the top bunk and I lay with Kloe on the bottom. Laying with the kids at bedtime is one way to facilitate attachment.

Kloe doesn't want much to do with Mark. At first I was sooo concerned about this, and I was pushing things too fast with her and him. I have relaxed my expectations and just started praying about it. Progress is slow and sometimes things regress, the whole one step forward two steps back adage seems to apply here.

Jordan pouts a lot if he does not get his way. We have started to ignore it, and try to give positive attention when we can. He gets mad and pouts that the girls have more shoes than he does (He wants to wear the cute white sandals!), or if he can't take a toy home that he sees at the store or the Drs. office or anywhere. Honestly that behavior pushes my buttons and I have little patience for it.

Overall though, I think my kids are doing GREAT!! They listen fairly well, they are kind hearted most of the time, they are helpful and eager to take care of things and they smile and hug and kiss often! I was just reading my friend Sherry Semlow's blog. They are bringing home 3 children under age 6 and they leave tomorrow to come home. They seem to have every issue that we have had multiplied times 10! I know they could use your prayers for their long flight tomorrow! http://semlowadoption.blogspot.com/

Jordan Bereket

2009-05-12T11:10:00.002-05:00

Jordan Bereket is always making something. Always building or
constructing or designing. The first day we were home he made lego
houses and cities. He made a tripod stand for Luke's xylophone out
of 3 drumsticks. Not being totally satisfied, he added the plastic
slinky to the design for stability. Amazing young man and smart too!

First lego house

Lego city

He put all these toys inside the city and called it Addis Ababa

This pile of rubble in the background has now been made into a stool by Bereket.

There is still enough rubble left over to make something else.

The tripod stand

Tripod stand with modifications.

Silent tears and grief

2009-05-12T08:06:00.002-05:00

Yesterday after her nap I took Kloe into my lap and we rocked and once again she let me hold her and caress her, but her beautiful brown eyes were in a far away place. After some time I moved to the bed and she lay in my arms for a long time. I looked down into her face and her eyes were a puddle of tears. I kissed her forehead and said "It's okay to cry, sweet girl" More tears. Quiet tears. Last night at bed time I lay with her for 2 hours. I know she was so tired but her eyes would not close. Sometimes they were distant, sometimes full of tears. Every time I tried to get up, the silent tears would fall. My little girl is grieving hard. The experts tell us that no matter what your life was like "before" you will grieve its loss and this is normal. Normal and oh so painful. To see my daughter's silent tears and not have the words to comfort her in her own tongue is hard! So I just hold her tight, stroke her face and hair, and plant little kisses everywhere. And she lets me. For THAT I am thankful.

Monday in Ethiopia: Day 5 in pics...METCHA Day!

2009-05-10T20:32:00.002-05:00

Mom's first hug from Bereket

Dad's turn

Brother Luke gets some too!

Check out Burtu's face here... she is not too sure about this "forever family" stuff!

Burtu...still very overwhelmed

The kids favorite nannies...

The kids with Tute... another special nanny.

Siblings

Can you even imagine the laundry??

Family pic... Burtu is doing much better!

Fixin' Mommy's hair

Sunday in Ethiopia: Day 4 in pictures

2009-05-10T20:21:00.001-05:00

There was a wedding near our guest house and these folks were dressed in the most beautiful wedding clothes.

Beautiful clothes and beautiful people.

Beautiful child!

On our way to church we ran into a traffic jam. So traffic just made its own way down the WRONG side of the road.

Addis from the top of Entoto mountain

Another view from Entoto

More Entoto

The church on top of Entoto.

Saturday in Ethiopia: Day 3 in pictures

2009-05-10T12:44:00.001-05:00

Mark was sooooo sick!

Luke and I rode this buggy... notice how malnourished even the horses are!

Our buggy driver... he LOVED taking us for a ride.

Our hotel in Awassa... it was very nice.

These 3 wheeled taxis were everywhere in Awassa but not in Addis.

We got a flat tire in Awassa

These boys hung out with us while we changed it.

Children in a small village along our route.

This little boy is carrying a long curved knife!!

Luke snapped this picture and only later noticed the cross in the center of the landscape. How cool is that??!!

Katie Marie

2009-05-09T21:49:00.003-05:00

While we were flying home from Ethiopia, my sweet bigger girl had her first prom! I was so sad to miss it, but I had a literal army of friends who made this day one to remember! The girl was pampered to the max, she had someone doing her hair, make-up, nails, even her own photographer! Isn't God amazing?? He can take two ordinary looking people like Mark and I and make one absolutely gorgeous young lady. Beautiful inside and out. I love you Katie Boo.